You never quite know when that last brick is going to make the wall you strike so big that you become overwhelmed. You add one here, one more on the other end, one in the middle and suddenly, without even realizing, you find yourself exhausted. I believe I’ve hit my wall.
I tend to do things full force. I’m not one to let life idly pass me by. Unfortunately, that means that I like to stay busy and keep my hands on a lot of things all at once. Most people who find out how much I take on are amazed that I am able to handle so many things at once. I must say, it was easier when it was just myself that I was worrying about. Somewhere along that road, I picked up what feels like the responsibilities of a team of others.
One of the symptoms of codependency is controlling. When you control a situation, you don’t have to worry about it. You know that anything that happens is accountable to you and that means you do things right. Well, as I’m learning, it’s utterly impossible to control every situation and releasing that control is NOT an easy thing. Having others to delegate things to is great, provided those things get done, however when they don’t, it falls back to you and it seems a lot has been falling back to me.
The stress is beginning to take its toll on me as well, mentally and physically. Too many things on my mind have been making me second guess some of the things I tell myself are fine. I’ve learned that there are times when you must ask for help even when you don’t want to and there are other times when it’s best to just leave things alone. This past week has been extremely stressful with many things all falling on me at once.
It’s hard for me to tell people they will have to just wait and its proof of that considering I was still working when the doctors told me not to. Even through excruciating pain, I was returning emails and phone messages as if nothing was wrong. Between naps and medications, some things just had to be pushed off. Unfortunately, the feelings of not getting things done doesn’t push off as easily. And not being able to share those thoughts with friends in some cases, well, that will take its toll on you as well.
Not only was I taking on too much through work and activities, but I’d overextended my emotional boundaries as well. As you may already realize, I live a very independent life. I do things when I want and how I want without many to answer to. This at times can become a quandary that presents some difficulties. One of these is the ability to make friends without further side complications.
It’s great to talk with someone you feel comfortable around, who understands situations you have been in, and who experiences some of the same vulnerabilities you do. Unfortunately, sometimes these friendships come at a cost. When it is so easy to talk to someone, there are times when people become blinded by what’s in front of them. They see what could be rather than what is or what has to be. A friend described it best. When someone sees something in life they wish they could obtain, that something is shiny to them, be it an object, a title, an accomplishment, or even another person. This “shininess” has the ability to send someone on the wrong path and needlessly can build the ego of the person who sees the “shine”. Unfortunately, when the shine wears off, the pedestal the person has climbed, crumbles and falls. Even when warned of impending danger, the shine overtakes them and they tend to proceed anyway.
This “shininess” has caused the downfall of many of my friendships and relationships. I would even go as far as to say it was one of the reasons for my failed marriage. I’m very upfront with people. I speak my mind and I don’t apologize for the things I say (so long as they are not offensive, or incorrect). Being able to freely speak about a variety of topics is not a trait for many I’ve learned. The misconceptions made by those who are uncomfortable about the topics of choice can be very hurtful and at times ruin lives. I don’t like to see others hurt and I surely do not wish to see myself come to harm, however I also strongly disagree with the views of a great many people about a great many things.
Perhaps people need to take a moment to sit back and look in a mirror. Really think about who they are, what they want out of life and determine what path they are going to choose in how to get to their goal. It’s a work in progress and the paths will change, believe me, but taking the time to think about it and be honest with yourself and your intentions will make a world of difference. My paths are changing and the stress of this past week with its emotional and physical rollercoasters has me deciding to update a few of the goals I have currently. Some things need to be put off. Some bricks need to come down off the wall. Some people need to be reminded that I’m not “shiny” and overall, I need to take care of me, because sometimes you have to be selfish and make the hard choices for others.
So, here’s to running into my wall and somehow, some way, finding a path that goes around it. I’ve been spending too much time and energy trying to go through it for far too long.