Monthly Archives: May 2012

Not so good news after all…

Nothing hurts more than watching someone close to you subject themselves to a time bomb just waiting to explode. For all those who have stood by while someone’s relationship fell to pieces, you should have some understanding of where I’m coming from.

I will never claim to understand people or relationships. Honestly, I don’t think I want to, but I do wish that we were not wired to take the abuse until something inside us snaps and we finally decide for ourselves to walk away.

I know too many damaged people. If you are one of the damaged, please take no offense. I will explain what I mean. When someone is in an abusive relationship they see themselves in a different light. Not everyone is the same, however when the same people see a similar situation with someone else, they know it is wrong. Where I imply the term “damaged” is that this person can see this in others but refuses or denies that the same thing is happening to them. They believe they are happy or that things will change. (I should mention here that it is not only women, but also some men I know who I would also consider damaged.)

Having been in a bad relationship in my past, it seems easier for me to see when things turn sour for others now. I thankfully haven’t been in a bad relationship since, but over the years have met many others who had similar fates. Recently, I had a friend who three of us knew was in a bad situation. His girlfriend was into a lot of things and she used my friend for nearly a year, having him pay her rent, buy her a vehicle, pay for her entertainment, etc. When she didn’t get her way, there were times she would hit him, and we aren’t talking a little girly punch. There was one night he had to leave his own home because she continued to come after him. Another good friend of ours went to pick him up. Shortly after this was when she started cheating on him.

When he finally saw the light and ended things, it took him a few weeks to get back on track. He felt as though a lot of what had happened was his fault, that he never should have let it go as far as it did. She had beaten him down so far that he questioned everything in his life. I hope that he never has to deal with it again.

Unfortunately, in a way he does. That mutual good friend of ours who went to pick him up that night, he’s now seeing her. This is breaking news to me. This mutual friend is the same friend who I eluded to in my previous post about the friend I felt I was losing due to a new relationship. I now understand why he was hesitant to tell me who she was. He told me tonight and you know I won’t lie to you, dear reader, I was crushed. I don’t know how one can watch someone abuse a good friend and then start dating that person as if the past occurrences were a fluke. I have told my friend that I won’t abandon him but that it is in both our best interests not to mention her again. I can’t bear to think about how things are going to change for him over the next few months, if it goes that far. I honestly fear for him and what she will do to him.

I know there is nothing I can say or do to make him leave her, nor would I be that person who tries to tell my friends how to live their lives. There never is anything that can be said or done in those situations. It is a decision they must make on their own and those on the outside looking in just hope it happens before the real damage sets in.


The bearing of good news…or is it?

There were some events that happened today that made me further realize a viewpoint I’ve grown accustomed to. Over the years I’ve had many people come and go in my life. I hope that when these people come in, that they realize how great of a friend I am capable of being.

As I look back on the reasons people have left, there aren’t really too many to list. The one that jumps out at me that I just don’t understand happens time and again. In fact, I have the feeling, dear reader, that it is happening yet again as I write this.

Many of my friends, good, true friends, know I am there whenever they need me. I don’t ask questions, I am just there to support them for whatever reason they may need. Maybe it’s due to this fact that it doesn’t seem to bother them when suddenly they seem to write me off. It’s never due to something I’ve done to them, but rather seems to happen when one of them starts a relationship with someone new. Today marks the third time in the past year that one of these friends has chosen to go their own way.

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them, as long as they are happy, but at some point it does sting a little to be cast off to the darkness and practically forgotten. I thought relationships were supposed to be something that you wanted to share? You meet someone new and you want everyone to get along so you don’t have to compromise for your new someone or your friends.

Seems lately that many of my friends have been choosing the new someone. I don’t like the feeling I get today upon just hearing that a friend has just started seeing someone I know, but won’t tell me who. Maybe it’s because he knows I’ll be honest with him and give him the facts I know if I feel that he could be hurt in the situation.  (Mind you, I tell any of my friends that it is still their decision over anything, but I do believe it is always good to have the facts.  You wouldn’t let a child molester babysit your kids, right?) Either way, the darkness is already coming. They always swear they won’t become strangers, but every time they stop calling, stop texting and if you actually see them or get to spend a fleeting moment with them, it’s in passing and never planned.

One of my friends got out of a bad relationship (finally) and was in a situation where he just needed a friend. Someone he could trust. I was happy to be there for him. When he started seeing someone he had liked for years and things were going well, he told me it wouldn’t be like last time when his previous girlfriend wouldn’t allow him to talk to or see his friends. Well, I haven’t heard from him in well over a month or more now again. I really hoped this time was going to be different.

My friends always tell me they know I’m there when they need me, and they always come back when things don’t work with whoever they were seeing, but why the write off? And why do they feel that they can’t talk to me? I guess I just don’t understand. I am not a jealous person. When I was married, my husband at the time started talking with his pregnant, single, ex-fiancee. It was behind my back at first, but I’m not stupid. When I called him out on it and he admitted who it was, I told him that I wasn’t going to tell him who he could and couldn’t talk to. I told him it was his decision to determine who he kept as friends. I didn’t have to get along with all of them. I did however, tell him that if she was under the impression that she was going to start a family with my husband, she had best think that over again. After this he did start to have his phone conversations with her in front of me, but I did find out later, around the time of our separation, that he had lied to me and gone to visit her when he told me previously he hadn’t.

So, maybe my viewpoint is skewed. Maybe it’s more normal for people to just write off their friends when they get into a relationship. It’s just not me though. If I’m going to date someone, he is going to meet my friends. He doesn’t have to like them, but he has to understand that these are my friends and I greatly value them in my life. No man is going to tell me that I can’t associate with the people I care about.

I wish so many others would also not be afraid to be honest with themselves and others. I think people may be happier with themselves if they did so. But, until then, I guess, again, I just wait for the good ones as they always come back.

(Good luck N. I hope things work out for you, but if you’re not willing to tell a good friend who she is, I’m sorry to say I don’t see it going too far. Just know that I’ll be here to pick up the pieces if you need me, even if you tuck me away in the dark corner til then.)


You can’t stop and smell the flowers if you don’t know they’re there.

ImageWell, my dear reader, it has been some time since I’ve written again and I’m beginning to think that my recent bout of insomnia is being brought on by karma as she wants me to write more. (For those of you who do not believe in karma, don’t be discouraged. I don’t judge. I think everyone deserves the right to have an opinion, and more importantly, to have an outlet to share that opinion. Do be warned however, that as I respect your right to that opinion, I ask the same respect for mine.)

So, now that we’ve gotten the formalities out of the way, what insights into my crazy life shall I share with you this time? Maybe I aught take a poll one day. There are oh so many stories. In fact, there are many that over time I have forgotten. I may even have to call in a guest blogger or two later this year to recount some of the stories that have slipped my memory.

Let’s see…

There never really seems to be a good place to start. It seems that life rather goes in groups of circles. People come and go, but someone I met in college said something to me that has always kind of stayed with me. He said “the good ones always come back.” I like to believe it’s true.

I’ve moved a lot since my college days. I’m happy to say that I still stay in touch with a great many of the people I’ve met over the years. Suffice it to say, not everyone has stuck around. Some by their choice, some by mine, and some who have just been lost in the fold.

I came across a picture in a local coupon magazine last week that spotlighted the weight loss achievement of a guy from my area. Just so happens that I went to school with him quite a few years ago (more like kindergarten). I have him as a “friend” on Facebook, but we’ve not really talked. After seeing his picture and achievement I sent him a message to congratulate him. We shared a few messages for a bit and he explained to me how he had managed to lose the 40+ pounds. Knowing that I currently would not mind losing about 30+ pounds myself, I was grateful for the information he gave me. I hadn’t talked to Nate in probably 20+ years, but the good ones always come back.Image

I guess I feel things can all be put into some manor of perspective. Having been married and divorced, I see relationships especially in a different light. Maybe that’s even too specific. I see people differently and by letting them be who they are and seeing them the way they want to be, I seem to get a better understanding of their viewpoint in the world.

Picture, if you will, a young kid who just walked into a candy store with all its bright colors and a great many items that he is just waiting to dig into and enjoy. His eyes are open wide and there’s a smile across his face as he looks all over the store, taking it all in. That’s the way I view my world. Yes, you read that right. MY world. Everyone views things differently. It’s a fact of life. I don’t expect anyone to see the world through my eyes, but I do encourage them to look at their world through their own eyes and see it for all it is or can be.

I come across so many people who are wearing blinders in life and it’s so frustrating when they can’t see all the joy and happiness out in the world. They only see what concerns them or how things could be worse. Yes, I’ve had bad times. You can’t see the sunshine all the time, but knowing that it’s still there still counts for something.

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I also think that by viewing the world in such a way, it has given me a different outlook at what kind of a perception I put out to others as well. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to change to make someone else happy. It doesn’t work that way. I have to stay true to myself. Yes, there are some things I don’t like about myself, but, over time you learn to accept the good with the bad, and if you’re able, you make changes because you want to better yourself.

(By the way, I do find it quite funny that Jet’s “Cold Hard Bitch” is playing on my Pandora station as I write this next bit.)

For quite some time now there have been many perceptions of me. Probably the one I hear of the most and bears the most truth is that I’m a bitch. I don’t deny it, but, alas, for as aggressive, persistent, straight-to-the-point and bluntly honest as I can be, the people who truly know me – who have taken off the blinder and spent the 90 seconds to try and know me – they realize I can be one of their greatest friends and allies. I won’t lie though. I am NOT a person you want to cross, but I digress.

For the hard-shelled, mouthy bitch that I can be (especially when I’m drinking tequila and whiskey – watch out!), my closest friends know how strong my emotions are. I will tell you a little secret, my dear reader. I am not one who likes to be vulnerable, much less show emotions in public. Hell, there are many times I don’t really show emotions outside my own home. Why you might ask? Well, truly I think you are smart enough to figure it out on your own, but I shall tell you.

Being vulnerable to me feels like being weak. I’m sure some psychologist would determine this comes from past events in my life (and yes, Kristopher, I am fully aware that you will bring this up in our next conversation). If anything, I have come to be known as someone who is quite honest. That being said, yes there were events in my past that led me to believe I couldn’t show weakness.

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I don’t wallow in my past. I don’t pity myself. There is so much more out there for me to do and accomplish. I was, however, one of the kids growing up that was picked on, a lot. I had very few friends and the ones I did have I learned over the years were not really friends. Grade school came and went (Catholic grade school nonetheless). High school was a little better, but I started standing up for myself. It wasn’t a lot and it definitely wasn’t enough.

I lost my virginity in high school. I wasn’t ready to, but it happened and for many, many years after that incident, that moment when someone wanted to have sex with me, I felt I didn’t have a choice, so I gave in. I’m not saying  I slept with a lot of guys, but, had I not felt vulnerable in that situation, I’m sure there would have been a few less.

Vulnerability feeling like a weakness is a hard thing to overcome. I’ve still not mastered it. During my first summer in college, I didn’t have a place to live. My parents home was out of the question (to be discussed in another blog some day), and I didn’t really have any friends who could afford supporting me for any given time. I had a job, but it definitely did not pay well enough for me to live somewhere on my own.

Well, during that summer there were a few people – or more specifically guys – who I met. They showed interest in me and allowed me to crash at their homes. Unfortunately, being young, naïve and vulnerable, when these guys tried to sleep with me, I felt obligated to do so. I’m not proud of the things I did (wow, that sounds so much worse than it’s intended too!), but I learned from them. I now know how cruel and abusive people can be when they take advantage of someone’s weakness.

So, I’m sure now, having read that last bit, you are thinking about one of a few things of me my dearest reader. Well, I respect your right to do so. Just remember, one piece of a puzzle tends not to give you the whole picture. There are many layers to every person. Seeing beyond one or two of them requires you to open your eyes and take it all in. You can’t see the beauty of the flowers on the side of the path if you don’t take off your blinders. There’s so much to see!

Now that I’m a bit older and, I like to think, a bit wiser, I am standing on my own two feet. I have a few supports to catch me when I falter, but true friends are happy to be your support system (especially when you return the favor!). My true friends tend to be the ones now who see my vulnerabilities. They understand sometimes you need to let go. They also know when to tell me to suck it up and get on with my life. (Thanks Kevin!) I am so eternally grateful for my dear friends and they are a big part of what allows me to wake up each day and see the world with the big bright eyes, smile and excitement of a new day, just like the kid in the candy store. I wish you that same happiness dear reader.

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