Lately I’ve been listening to the Gotye station a lot on Pandora. While there are many other artists that are also on the station, there are a couple Gotye songs that are really hitting home lately, if even for no other reason than the title. Currently as I write this “The Only Way” is playing and with any luck I will also hear “Heart’s A Mess” before I pass into what I hope to be a deep slumber.
Normally I sleep fine, but there are currently way too many things on my mind. There are too many questions, too many “what ifs” to throw caution to the wind. Personal, professional, family, hell, just life in general. I had a great weekend out of town visiting some old friends at my alma mater, but come the start of the week and some one left eh lion’s cage open and I’ve been trying to tame it since.
I feel like I need someone around to keep me on a straight path and while I know that every last one of my friends and, quite honestly even some strangers have told me I should steer clear of this whole situation, but, being stubborn me, I cannot. I need answers. I can’t just pick things back up as though this was all normal. It’s not. Not for me. He makes me cry. I shouldn’t want to cry, but the tears just keep coming. I don’t know why. I really do wish they’d stop.
Why he has this effect on me I’m not sure. In fact I’m not even sure why suddenly after a year of silence he’s talking to me again. We need to talk and in some way, I appreciate that he didn’t want to do it over dinner in a public restaurant, but at the same time, I’m not a patient woman and it’s been nearly a month since he came back….again. What am I to think? Why is he stalling? I don’t understand.
I want to just ignore him, but I can’t. I find things to distract myself but even that only goes so far. I don’t want to hurt again. It took me many months the last time. Each time seems to be a little worse. I don’t want to let my guard down. I think it will hurt less, but I’m honestly not so sure. He gave me a hug and I stood there. I just stood there. I’m still mad. I probably shouldn’t be. I should know I need to keep my expectations as low as possible, but there’s a history there. That makes it very hard.
I’m sure that things are going to be rough for a while and that I’m going to over thing and stress about it far too much, but such is life and I’ll continue to live it day by day.