Monthly Archives: July 2012

Thoughts to the soundtrack of Gotye…

Lately I’ve been listening to the Gotye station a lot on Pandora. While there are many other artists that are also on the station, there are a couple Gotye songs that are really hitting home lately, if even for no other reason than the title. Currently as I write this “The Only Way” is playing and with any luck I will also hear “Heart’s A Mess” before I pass into what I hope to be a deep slumber.

Normally I sleep fine, but there are currently way too many things on my mind. There are too many questions, too many “what ifs” to throw caution to the wind. Personal, professional, family, hell, just life in general. I had a great weekend out of town visiting some old friends at my alma mater, but come the start of the week and some one left eh lion’s cage open and I’ve been trying to tame it since.

I feel like I need someone around to keep me on a straight path and while I know that every last one of my friends and, quite honestly even some strangers have told me I should steer clear of this whole situation, but, being stubborn me, I cannot. I need answers. I can’t just pick things back up as though this was all normal.  It’s not. Not for me. He makes me cry. I shouldn’t want to cry, but the tears just keep coming. I don’t know why. I really do wish they’d stop.

Why he has this effect on me I’m not sure. In fact I’m not even sure why suddenly after a year of silence he’s talking to me again. We need to talk and in some way, I appreciate that he didn’t want to do it over dinner in a public restaurant, but at the same time, I’m not a patient woman and it’s been nearly a month since he came back….again. What am I to think? Why is he stalling? I don’t understand.

I want to just ignore him, but I can’t. I find things to distract myself but even that only goes so far. I don’t want to hurt again. It took me many months the last time. Each time seems to be a little worse. I don’t want to let my guard down. I think it will hurt less, but I’m honestly  not so sure. He gave me a hug and I stood there.  I just stood there. I’m still mad. I probably shouldn’t be. I should know I need to keep my expectations as low as possible, but there’s a history there. That makes it very hard.

I’m sure that things are going to be rough for a while and that I’m going to over thing and stress about it far too much, but such is life and I’ll continue to live it day by day.


Starting anew?

Well, this world definitely is not perfect, but sometimes it tries. Over the last couple of weeks I have been proven wrong. Or at least it currently seems. Someone I thought was lost to me forever has again reappeared in my life. It had been over a year since I had heard anything from him and I will admit that I’m definitely skeptical. How could I not be? The man broke my heart without thinking twice about it.

Now I’m sure, dear reader, that you have an opinion, and a valid one at that, that is screaming “Don’t go back to him!”. It is a very valid argument and you are in the majority. Everyone has said the same thing. They know how crushed I was and they don’t want me to do it again. I agree, I don’t want to do it again either, but there are questions left unanswered and I’m not a person who will just let that go given the opportunity to acquire an answer.

So, over the past couple weeks, I’ve asked questions. And I’ve gotten some answers. I know it will take some time to find them all. In fact I’m sure there will remain some that are left unanswered when all is said and done.  And I’m okay with that.

He is talking to me again. Not only that, but he wants to see me. Maybe for nothing more than to salvage our friendship which was built over many years. To say I’m hopeful that maybe it could be more is probably a bit of an understatement. In the conversation we had, it wasn’t ruled out, but we both did agree that we needed to take things slowly as we have a friendship neither of us cares to lose.

After the events of the past, I know I am on edge as I don’t know what will happen and I know it will be all too easy to fall for him again. Now don’t get me wrong, he’s by no means the perfect man, and he’s one that would admit that. He’s hurt me once and most, okay all of my friends have said they don’t feel he deserves a second chance, but that chance is mine to give. I hope I don’t regret it.

I don’t know for sure what I’m getting myself into, but honestly I don’t think he does either. It’s something we will have to explore. We do both agree that some things now are different. I’m happy he wants to see me and talk to me but I’m so afraid that I could screw something up and this time he would never talk to me again. I don’t know fully what I do want from him, but I’m not so sure he knows either.

He is a very hard person to read and he’s purposely vague. He feels it keeps things simple. Over the years I’ve learned how to pull some answers out of him though. And right now he’s answering me. I didn’t ask all he questions I wanted to. It took a bit too long to get to that part of the conversation. But It sounded like he was willing to talk again, and soon.  I’m doing my best to not read too much into things. “Play it by ear” he said. He didn’t say no. That to me is huge, but again leaves the possibility that some how, I will mess it up. Normal feelings you say? Well, maybe for someone else, but I’m not really a feelings kinda girl. It’s why I value my bennies. I typically don’t have feelings, but this one is different. I don’t know why. Chemistry maybe? Opposites attracting? Who knows. All I know is right now he’s back and I’m so many emotions that I don’t even know how to describe it. I will say one thing though, having been married and now divorced, I do everything in my power not to swear. The use of the L word or the M word is frowned upon in my vocabulary. So, that being said, I may have at one time had to admit that as much as I didn’t want to, somehow this one found that feeling in me and when push came to shove, the admission of the feeling was the end of me. Had it not been for that pesky little L word, none of the rest would have mattered.  But it was there. So now I again go against the best advice and potentially set myself up for devastation. Let’s hope for both our sakes that I’m wrong.