Monthly Archives: August 2012

You must be this tall to ride this ride…

Well, I have to say I find it rather funny at this point that I decided to use the words roller coaster in the title of my blog. Originally, I thought it worked well to describe the ups and downs in my life. Now I’m also realizing that in some instances, it also is a great analogy for some of my interactions with people.

Great example…the guy who I was pondering over for the past month. He comes out of the woodwork and back into my life [enter theme park]. We talk a bit and decide we’d like to get dinner [make sure your harness is fastened securely]. We continue to talk [the car is being pulled up to the top]. We hang out at his place, he gets me drunk and we wind up having sex [breach the top of the ride]. Then I’m naked and puking in his hallway [first downfall]. We talk [up second climb] and my emotions get the better of me [corkscrew]. Finally, I apparently have a friend who cares for me enough to tell this guy that he can’t play both sides of the fence with me [final climb] and guy sends me a message that he doesn’t appreciate my friends messaging him those things and he again has to be the prick telling me that even a friendship won’t work between us [and…all the way back down and to a complete stop where I now exit the ride]. Thrilling wasn’t it?

In such a short period of time, so many things happened. They come and go in and out of my life as if I’m just some pawn in their end game. What they don’t realize is that I’m no pawn. I’m the Queen and I could give them so much, but they are too blinded to look at the bigger picture and see what I truly have to offer them.

I may not have a lot of money, and, yes, there are some things I do for myself (everyone should be a little selfish once in a while), but I live my life for those around me. By doing so, I don’t need to be as selfish, because they are there to support me when I can’t do it alone. I will never leave my friends out in a storm and over the years I’ve found the ones who will bring me in when the rains come.

This last month drew out emotions in me yet again which are foreign to me. Okay, maybe not so much foreign, but maybe closer to enemy territory. I’ve told you how I don’t like to be vulnerable. Well this guy makes me vulnerable, and he doesn’t see it. Granted, I do hide my emotions fairly well, but it was pretty blatantly obvious when it was starting to affect me physically.

Anyway, I digress. From a person who told me he wanted to be selfish for a while, and was sick of being taken advantage of because previous women would take everything he kept giving, it’s ironic to me that he should not see when someone is straight up offering him what he wants. To top it off, he then says that it’s my fault that he needs to write me off again. I wish he weren’t so blind as to see that I respect all his wishes because he asks me to, not because I want to or am doing so because I’m mad at him. I don’t think he will ever truly understand me for who I am, and quite honestly, that’s sad because everything he said and described to me were things I could have given him if he would have only opened his eyes and paid a little more attention to the things I said and did. I told him he wouldn’t have to read my mind, but apparently he didn’t believe I was telling the truth.

So, once again, I’m sorry if you feel like I hurt you, but, what do I have to do….to forget about you?

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Defining it for what it is…

It has been a very interesting week and it’s not even over yet. Things started to get a bit crazy on Sunday already, but it’s only one day. It can be overlooked, right? Well, I hope so anyway.

You know, dearest reader, that I’ve vowed to be honest with you and well, here’s a bit of proof. How embarrassing to be found naked on the floor in the hallway hanging your head over a bathroom wastebasket by a guy who you, well, who’s house you just kinda happened to have to spend the night at because you got drunk too easily (unintentionally) and your nerves got the better of you? Mortifying, right? Complete FML moment? Yeah, that happened. I’d take it back if I could, but alas, live and learn.

Now, I know you’re questioning who this guy was, and not to worry, it wasn’t a random. It’s a guy I’ve known for quite some time, but things between us have been a bit tumultuous as of late. Hence the nerves affecting me the way they did. I have told you how much I dislike being vulnerable and there is nothing worse than that which I was captive to on a Sunday night.

Anyway, enough about the bad. It’s not good to dwell. So, a few days later I decide the nerves are taking over and I don’t like it. That meant it was time for a phone call.  I was not looking forward to it, but I knew there were things I had to say. He took it well and surprisingly, from a person who doesn’t talk about how he feels, he said a lot. Maybe he had said a lot before, but I just wasn’t listening. I’m not sure. (Or I might have been drunk. It happens.)

In a short conversation a lot was said and reflecting on it today, I realized just how much of what I had to say really stands true for anyone in my life now. I feel like I’ve reached a checkpoint in my life and I hope to not go back. I’m not going to credit this guy with this revelation I’ve come to but I do hope he understands how much it really means to me.

I’ve made some REALLY great friends lately and I can’t say enough about the honesty they have with me. I respect them so much more to have the faith in our friendship that they can talk to me, tell me something I won’t like and have the knowledge that I value them as a friend so much that I will work things out with them even if I am wrong. I don’t take kindly to little white lies that are told just so my feelings aren’t hurt. Those are the people I can’t trust. Stop being so damn overly friendly. You’re not helping anyone by doing it. Life has many hard lessons to learn. The band-aid maneuver is still the best policy in my opinion.

So, I expressed my position to this guy and he expressed his. I had to question if we were both on the same page after that due to the recent events. My understanding was that he was throwing his hat in the ring to take up residency as my current bennie. Now, I should mention I have known this guy for years and for some time felt something for him which, my secret little voyeuristic reader, you know to be unacceptable in my bennie relationships. So, I am in a bit of uncharted territory here. I don’t know how this will go, but I do think that there is much more that is yet to be determined in this little adventure.

I have become very accustomed to the way my previous bennies treat me, talk to me and quite honestly, the way they please me. They are very attentive to the things I like. They learned them over time as I learned the things they enjoyed. (Take those statements as you will. Doesn’t matter really as either way they are true.) I’m not sure how I feel about essentially training a new bennie and quite honestly, I’m not sure he will meet the requirements of being someone I would entrust my life to. I didn’t feel that strongly about my ex-husband when we were married if that gives you any indication as to how much of a bond there is.

Being honest is a major first step as well as a friendship, but another requirement is the knowledge that a society defined normal relationship would never work for us. Let me explain that as I’m sure it can be a little confusing at first. I mean, why would someone be with another if there isn’t something there right?

Well, that’s what we are all led to believe. I don’t see it that way. Take for instance my first bennie. He is the type of guy who gets bored easily in relationships. He seeks out someone new when he gets bored, even if he is still with someone. I know we would get bored if we were domesticated, so it would never work. My second bennie is a hermit. (I know you’re really wondering about me now.) He has a job, but in the winter he is off so he stays shut in most of the time. I may not hear anything from him for three months. His phone will be shut off and one day I’ll have a voice mail from him to let me know he’s good and what his new phone number is. He has also only eaten in my presence once that I can remember, in nearly four years. These traits are also not ones I could find working in a “normal” relationship for me.

So then, I’m now at that point where this guy wants to be my newest bennie. I used to think I wanted something more with him, but having actually listened to the things he was saying to me about his opinions and the way he sees the world (not to mention knowing how stubborn he can be), I’m pretty certain an actual relationship is not suited for the two of us. That doesn’t mean we can’t still be great friends and help each other with some needs from time to time.

This actually also had me thinking though. My two previous bennies and my stand-in bennie all understand that sometimes it has nothing to do with sex. Sometimes you just want company. You want that friend you can watch a scary movie with and grab hold of each other when you’re freaked out. Or relax together and just talk about your day. I find it to be greatly relaxing for me to sit on the couch with my bennie, watching TV with his legs draped across my lap. I will sit and massage them for hours and not even realize time has gone by. (These are the reasons my bennies say I’m good to them. I won’t call them magic hands, but they might.) I am a giver and they know it. The difference between them and other guys is though, that they won’t take advantage of it. I won’t lie, they are good to me in other ways (like making me dinner or giving me a massage) but it’s all just because we know how we want to be treated and that’s how we are with each other. I really just hope newbie bennie understands.