Life has a very distinct way of kicking you in the teeth. The things that seem to be a good idea at one point, may well be, but when there is also someone else involved, sometimes those same things can turn out very badly.
Now don’t get me wrong, you still have to take chances in life, for if you didn’t, well, you would be a very boring individual. Still there are risks that should be taken. A better job, a date with a new acquaintance, a trip to somewhere you’ve never been before.
I seem to be taking a lot of these risks lately. The biggest one not in that previous list. You know, dearest reader, that I will proclaim that my feelings are something which I keep locked away as they tend to only bring bad things for me, but through some soul searching as it were, I have reached something of a conclusion about said feelings. As much as I despise the L word, I can’t deny its existence. There have been times in my past where it was easy to say, but I’ve also learned that the times in which it mattered were, or are the times when it is difficult to say.
My grandmother died in 2008. I treasured that woman. She meant a lot to me, and yet when she was dying, I couldn’t even then tell her how much I loved her, because I’m not even sure I really knew then. The last time I saw her alive, it was the night she died. She couldn’t speak, but when our eyes met and she saw my tears, her eyes welled up to match my own. I miss her dearly and it is because of her that I’ve been able to deal with some of the darker parts in my life, namely her daughter, my mother.
I have begun to realize things about myself, as well as things about her, that will probably never change and I accept that. I don’t have to like it, but I accept it. Now I just need to learn the best way, for both of us, to deal with it. It will take time, but if I don’t start now, somewhere, nothing will ever change, and quite frankly, my grandmother wouldn’t have wanted that.
I think of my grandmother more than I probably realize in a lot of the decisions I make. Case in point, if she were still alive, what would she say of a new guy I date? Would she tell me he’s not good enough? She might, but that’s where that woman earned a lot of respect from me. She was always honest. Maybe that’s where I get it from. It sure as hell wasn’t my mother. (Though truth be told, there are other mannerisms I have picked up from that woman.)
So, now I live my life the best I can, and when karma decides to kick me while I’m down, I get back up, brush myself off and go on, because there’s either that, or give up and I’m not ready to give up yet. Grandma was nearly 90. I’ve got quite a few years till then, and with any luck, I’ll make it beyond that. Here’s hoping! Cheers!