Monthly Archives: January 2013

Policy of Truth…

As  you go through life, you tend to find that some things are black and white, but others, many others, are some shade of gray. One of these shades, or rather more likely many of these shades of gray are where I place my friendships. While most people have friends, best friends and acquaintances, I have those and then also my Bennies. For the first time however, I’m starting to question that area between Bennie and just a friend.

I have guy friends who are just guy friends and then I have guy friends whom I’ve slept with. (There are also guy friends who want to sleep with me, but I’ll get to those later.) While I am a person who greatly respects my friends, I question how much respect for me many of them have. It seems more often then not that when I do end up sleeping with a guy that he is just using me to get his rocks off and could really care less that I’m a friend.

I guess it always rather bugged me, but I never really did anything about it. I just wouldn’t sleep with them again, but with this constant thought in the back of my mind that nobody wants me, it’s far too easy to fall prey to someone who is giving me attention. Now don’t get me wrong, the skeevy guy who walks up to me in the bar and tells me I have cute feet is going no where but home by himself, however, if I’m mildly interested in someone, well, let’s just say it doesn’t always end well.

It strikes me as even more awkward when I have guy friends who I dated 10+ years ago that I haven’t heard from in a few years who are suddenly contacting me, professing their love and telling me that they were stupid for ever letting me go. (They dumped me by the way.) Now, or at least when they contacted me, they wanted to start over and try again. One even saying that he’d find a job near me and move just to be close to me.

Well, after 10 years – people change. I was married. I got divorced. I started a career, and some of the things I thought were important then aren’t for me any longer. I can’t change the past and we made the mistake enough times of trying to relive it.

When someone tells you things you want to hear when you’re not hearing it from the place you should be, well, you tend to lean more one direction than the other. Thankfully I realized what it actually was before it went too far. I still wouldn’t go back and change the things I did, but at least going forward I have something to look back and base some decisions on.

I do also agree with a very good friend of mine. I don’t think any one person gives their heart solely to one other individual. We aren’t that type of creature. If we were, when we found our “soul mate”, we would no longer have friends or care about our families. Love is something I feel is spread around and there are many types of love. (Yeah, I said it. I swore. I dropped the L bomb. I figure soon enough I’m going to have to again. So, what the hell, I might as well get used to it.)

So, these types of love. This is where my gray areas get really fuzzy, and not like in the cute, cuddly sense. I thought at one time that I loved my ex husband, and I think it was more the person he thought he was versus the person he really was. It wasn’t meant to go the long haul, but it’s okay. We’re still friends. After him, there was the asshole who took my heart, molded it in his hands to get it just he way he wanted it, and then threw it in the mud, stomped the shit out of it and then looked at his buddy and said, “Just keep going. Just walk away.” They may be right. If he ever makes you cry, you have no reason to stay with him. It’s hard to walk away when you feel like you can’t live without him. Again, lesson learned. (I think.)

That brings me to my current dilemma. Do I love my friend that is causing me so much stress? Yeah, I probably have to say I do, but not that kind of love. I have a deep respect for someone who has gotten me through a few tough times. He’s seen me cry (which I hate doing in front of people) and the night I was around to comfort him, I ended up a mess, thankful that he was there, but that still doesn’t mean that I love him in a way where I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Hell, by day six of a road trip I threatened to leave him somewhere in a ditch on the way home. The love I have for him is one in which I care for him, his well being and his happiness. I just need to reach a point where I can separate that from my own happiness.

I see things that, as a friend, I want him to see, but, it’s not who he is and I need to be able to let that go. To not care. And it sounds selfish, but it’s honest. He doesn’t need me to point him in every direction of his life. He’ll make mistakes, do stupid things, but it’s all his choice, his consequences. So, I need to just let it be. It will take time as I still need to reach the point that I don’t feel the need to help people. I just hope that at some point he can be there again to help me, as I know I can’t do this alone.

There is one other friend who tries to be there for me and some how, even for being a hermit, he seems to know just when I need a message from him, or even someone. There’s no good way to explain how much it means to get a message that just says “I’m thinking about you. I miss you.” Now if only I could find a guy who isn’t just looking for a physical encounter or isn’t married or seeing someone that would send me messages like that. *Sigh* Ah, well. Tomorrow’s another day. Maybe someone is still out there.


There’s No Place Like Home….Um…

I’m different. Not necessarily unique, but definitely different. I see the world from an altered viewpoint compared to most. No, this isn’t another rant about society or blinders, but something I noticed the other day as I was walking into work. It felt normal.

Now, I’ve only been working at this job, at this location, for about two and a half months, and I moved nearly two hours from my previous location to take this position (which I wouldn’t have done had I known what it would turn out to be, but that’s for another time). It should in some ways still feel new. New job, new home, new neighborhood. To some people this would be absolutely too much. They have a “home” and they don’t stray far from it. While I admit I have gone back to the place I grew up numerous times, I’ve never really felt “at home” there. Eventually I always get the urge to leave. And I have, many times.

The “trend” started in college. I attended a school close to home and hated it. I hardly attended classes. Then a friend took me on a tour of his school, three hours away from home and the price was right too. So, I transferred. I enjoyed my time there and after a while I stopped going back “home” on weekends. I made a lot of friends who I spent time with, but after four years there, I got the itch again and the timing was nearly perfect. I was offered an internship at a record company in New York City. I couldn’t say no to that!

I moved nearly all my belongings back to the place I grew up, packed a couple bags, shipped a box of stuff and set out by AmTrak for NYC. Naturally, we arrived in the city late as our train hit a car that tried to beat us to the crossing. They didn’t make it. I will tell you, though, being a passenger, traveling alone on a train the first few days in January, the dead of winter, feeling the train slowing in the middle of the night, suddenly smelling gas and seeing all the train employees racing for the back of the train really makes you question a few things (like if you should be following suit!).

So, upon arriving in New York, I got into a taxi to take me to my new “home”. I’d never taken the subway or a taxi before. The cab driver asked me how to get where I needed to go. How cute. (No, not really.) I’m pretty sure he ripped me off. Lesson learned.

The next day was my first day of my internship. Would have been great if I knew where the company was. I had to wait until the time I was supposed to arrive to call and ask where it was and how to get there. Queue my first subway ride. (I do miss the 1 train commute in the mornings.) I learned my way around, met a lot of great people, made some great contacts and still miss the city like crazy, even though I only lived there for about two months.

Now, most people I meet wouldn’t dream of doing that. They would be scared shitless to move to a place that big, where they’ve never been before, and don’t know anyone, but, I’m not anyone. I seem to do this a lot. My life is VERY fast paced. You either keep up or get out of the way. I’ve done this same thing moving to San Diego, St Louis and all over Wisconsin, most recently to my current location. So, maybe that’s why it feels normal to me. I don’t have any where that feels like home, so home is just where ever I am at.

That’s not the only thing that I think sets me apart from the majority. I’ve always found it a bit odd that other people didn’t just understand things. It’s hard to fathom that peoples’ manner of how they think, how they learn, is so varying. I just understand things. They just make sense. I rarely need explanation,  but when I do, be ready for a bunch of questions, because I want to understand.

I don’t remember reading ANY book as required for school. I didn’t even watch the movies. I just took the things I knew and deduced the rest. Apparently there are fewer of us out there that think this way than I thought. I have had people get angry with me because I told them I never studied in school and still managed to get pretty good grades. (Granted, you could tell which subjects I really didn’t care for.)

Maybe at some points people resented me for this. I don’t know, but I do know that some people used me for this skill and sometimes still will. When you put a lot of time and effort into something and someone else takes the credit, well, I hope most of you never have to experience that. Some of it is my own fault and I should honestly take my own advice. Don’t let your happiness rely on what others can give you. I’m horrible at this. I’m always helping more than I should, but feel guilty if I don’t, and I try too hard to keep people around me. I never said I was perfect. My friend was right. Today he posted as his Facebook status: “Desire is the underlying cause of dissatisfaction.  To the degree we have desire, to that degree we suffer.” (from Eight Mindful Steps to Happiness: Walking the Budda’s Path by Bhante Henepola Gunaratana).

It’s much more disappointing when I reach out to friends and don’t hear back than if I’d just not worry about it and find something else to occupy my mind. Maybe someday I’ll learn. It’s a work in progress. No promises, but I’m trying. Yes, yes, I know. There is no try.

I set some goals this year and I intend to accomplish a good many of them, if not all of them, but they will take time. So, I’ll take my time and do what needs to be done. I suggest you buckle up, I’m really not sure where this ride’s going to take me, but I’m ready for more changes, so, here we go.


A Life Like the Movies…..(I think I just puked in my mouth a little)

So, sometimes it takes watching someone else go through the same circumstances to make you realize where things seem to stand. In some ways it may seem to be a good realization and in other, it’s that other view in the mirror that no one likes to see in themselves. For me, right now, that ugly truth is that I’m at a moment in life where I’m feeling quite needy, and I hate being needy.

I’ve become quite accustomed to living on my own, taking care of myself (and my dog) and I don’t necessarily like to straight out ask for help. I put out signals, or at least I think I do, but everyone has so many issues of their own, they probably don’t take the time to notice.

This neediness in no way means that I want someone to provide for me or take care of me. I don’t want that at all. What I do want is someone who is there for me because they want to be. Not because they need my help, my understanding, my compassion. I can’t do it all. I need somebody too. I’m not strong enough to support us all.

Tonight I watched the movie Friends with Benefits. I wish someone would have told me not to. Had I known so many of the same scenarios were going to come up…well, let’s just say, the woman in the movie wanted her life to be like the life she was watching in the movies, and now that this movie was made, my life IS like the movies. So many similarities to things that I’ve been involved in lately, it almost made me want to puke. (Or maybe that’s this headache. Hard to be sure.) Either way, for us it was supposed to be just a couple of good friends who satisfied an urge from time to time. I don’t know when it seemed like it became more. I try to keep my distance, but this overwhelming feeling of being wanted takes over.

He does things that my other guys friends just don’t do, but yet other times he’s just an asshole. It’s like Jeckyl and Hyde. I don’t know which side to believe. I know it’s not right, yet continue on the same path anyway. The part that scares me a bit is that I’m not sure that it couldn’t be just anyone, as long as they were paying attention to me.

So, what do I want? Affection. Not over the top, not obsessive, but I want to know someone is thinking about me during the day, that I’m not alone. I want a hug once in a while, or even a kiss, someone to hold me so I know I’m still alive and haven’t just slipped into nothingness. I want someone to want to surprise me by showing up unexpectedly and making me dinner, maybe even staying to watch a movie on the couch together. I never knew this was so out of line to think it could happen.

I over think things. Constantly. But, I can’t stop. I don’t understand why someone who claims they don’t want a relationship (with me) is doing all sorts of things that someone in a relationship would do. He’s even gone so far as to keep my spare set of keys without being able to give some real reason behind why he doesn’t give them back. (We’re not talking in a stalkerish way here people.) He’s had plenty of opportunities to give them back even though he lives nearly 2 hours away, so his excuse that someone would have them if I lock myself out is completely invalid, especially since it is utterly impossible to lock myself out. But I digress.

I just want to understand. I don’t want to feel alone. I want true, genuine happiness without the worry in the background that there’s something wrong with me and that I need to fix everyone else. Apparently, that’s all too much to ask for all at once.