As you go through life, you tend to find that some things are black and white, but others, many others, are some shade of gray. One of these shades, or rather more likely many of these shades of gray are where I place my friendships. While most people have friends, best friends and acquaintances, I have those and then also my Bennies. For the first time however, I’m starting to question that area between Bennie and just a friend.
I have guy friends who are just guy friends and then I have guy friends whom I’ve slept with. (There are also guy friends who want to sleep with me, but I’ll get to those later.) While I am a person who greatly respects my friends, I question how much respect for me many of them have. It seems more often then not that when I do end up sleeping with a guy that he is just using me to get his rocks off and could really care less that I’m a friend.
I guess it always rather bugged me, but I never really did anything about it. I just wouldn’t sleep with them again, but with this constant thought in the back of my mind that nobody wants me, it’s far too easy to fall prey to someone who is giving me attention. Now don’t get me wrong, the skeevy guy who walks up to me in the bar and tells me I have cute feet is going no where but home by himself, however, if I’m mildly interested in someone, well, let’s just say it doesn’t always end well.
It strikes me as even more awkward when I have guy friends who I dated 10+ years ago that I haven’t heard from in a few years who are suddenly contacting me, professing their love and telling me that they were stupid for ever letting me go. (They dumped me by the way.) Now, or at least when they contacted me, they wanted to start over and try again. One even saying that he’d find a job near me and move just to be close to me.
Well, after 10 years – people change. I was married. I got divorced. I started a career, and some of the things I thought were important then aren’t for me any longer. I can’t change the past and we made the mistake enough times of trying to relive it.
When someone tells you things you want to hear when you’re not hearing it from the place you should be, well, you tend to lean more one direction than the other. Thankfully I realized what it actually was before it went too far. I still wouldn’t go back and change the things I did, but at least going forward I have something to look back and base some decisions on.
I do also agree with a very good friend of mine. I don’t think any one person gives their heart solely to one other individual. We aren’t that type of creature. If we were, when we found our “soul mate”, we would no longer have friends or care about our families. Love is something I feel is spread around and there are many types of love. (Yeah, I said it. I swore. I dropped the L bomb. I figure soon enough I’m going to have to again. So, what the hell, I might as well get used to it.)
So, these types of love. This is where my gray areas get really fuzzy, and not like in the cute, cuddly sense. I thought at one time that I loved my ex husband, and I think it was more the person he thought he was versus the person he really was. It wasn’t meant to go the long haul, but it’s okay. We’re still friends. After him, there was the asshole who took my heart, molded it in his hands to get it just he way he wanted it, and then threw it in the mud, stomped the shit out of it and then looked at his buddy and said, “Just keep going. Just walk away.” They may be right. If he ever makes you cry, you have no reason to stay with him. It’s hard to walk away when you feel like you can’t live without him. Again, lesson learned. (I think.)
That brings me to my current dilemma. Do I love my friend that is causing me so much stress? Yeah, I probably have to say I do, but not that kind of love. I have a deep respect for someone who has gotten me through a few tough times. He’s seen me cry (which I hate doing in front of people) and the night I was around to comfort him, I ended up a mess, thankful that he was there, but that still doesn’t mean that I love him in a way where I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Hell, by day six of a road trip I threatened to leave him somewhere in a ditch on the way home. The love I have for him is one in which I care for him, his well being and his happiness. I just need to reach a point where I can separate that from my own happiness.
I see things that, as a friend, I want him to see, but, it’s not who he is and I need to be able to let that go. To not care. And it sounds selfish, but it’s honest. He doesn’t need me to point him in every direction of his life. He’ll make mistakes, do stupid things, but it’s all his choice, his consequences. So, I need to just let it be. It will take time as I still need to reach the point that I don’t feel the need to help people. I just hope that at some point he can be there again to help me, as I know I can’t do this alone.
There is one other friend who tries to be there for me and some how, even for being a hermit, he seems to know just when I need a message from him, or even someone. There’s no good way to explain how much it means to get a message that just says “I’m thinking about you. I miss you.” Now if only I could find a guy who isn’t just looking for a physical encounter or isn’t married or seeing someone that would send me messages like that. *Sigh* Ah, well. Tomorrow’s another day. Maybe someone is still out there.