So, sometimes it takes watching someone else go through the same circumstances to make you realize where things seem to stand. In some ways it may seem to be a good realization and in other, it’s that other view in the mirror that no one likes to see in themselves. For me, right now, that ugly truth is that I’m at a moment in life where I’m feeling quite needy, and I hate being needy.
I’ve become quite accustomed to living on my own, taking care of myself (and my dog) and I don’t necessarily like to straight out ask for help. I put out signals, or at least I think I do, but everyone has so many issues of their own, they probably don’t take the time to notice.
This neediness in no way means that I want someone to provide for me or take care of me. I don’t want that at all. What I do want is someone who is there for me because they want to be. Not because they need my help, my understanding, my compassion. I can’t do it all. I need somebody too. I’m not strong enough to support us all.
Tonight I watched the movie Friends with Benefits. I wish someone would have told me not to. Had I known so many of the same scenarios were going to come up…well, let’s just say, the woman in the movie wanted her life to be like the life she was watching in the movies, and now that this movie was made, my life IS like the movies. So many similarities to things that I’ve been involved in lately, it almost made me want to puke. (Or maybe that’s this headache. Hard to be sure.) Either way, for us it was supposed to be just a couple of good friends who satisfied an urge from time to time. I don’t know when it seemed like it became more. I try to keep my distance, but this overwhelming feeling of being wanted takes over.
He does things that my other guys friends just don’t do, but yet other times he’s just an asshole. It’s like Jeckyl and Hyde. I don’t know which side to believe. I know it’s not right, yet continue on the same path anyway. The part that scares me a bit is that I’m not sure that it couldn’t be just anyone, as long as they were paying attention to me.
So, what do I want? Affection. Not over the top, not obsessive, but I want to know someone is thinking about me during the day, that I’m not alone. I want a hug once in a while, or even a kiss, someone to hold me so I know I’m still alive and haven’t just slipped into nothingness. I want someone to want to surprise me by showing up unexpectedly and making me dinner, maybe even staying to watch a movie on the couch together. I never knew this was so out of line to think it could happen.
I over think things. Constantly. But, I can’t stop. I don’t understand why someone who claims they don’t want a relationship (with me) is doing all sorts of things that someone in a relationship would do. He’s even gone so far as to keep my spare set of keys without being able to give some real reason behind why he doesn’t give them back. (We’re not talking in a stalkerish way here people.) He’s had plenty of opportunities to give them back even though he lives nearly 2 hours away, so his excuse that someone would have them if I lock myself out is completely invalid, especially since it is utterly impossible to lock myself out. But I digress.
I just want to understand. I don’t want to feel alone. I want true, genuine happiness without the worry in the background that there’s something wrong with me and that I need to fix everyone else. Apparently, that’s all too much to ask for all at once.