I’m different. Not necessarily unique, but definitely different. I see the world from an altered viewpoint compared to most. No, this isn’t another rant about society or blinders, but something I noticed the other day as I was walking into work. It felt normal.
Now, I’ve only been working at this job, at this location, for about two and a half months, and I moved nearly two hours from my previous location to take this position (which I wouldn’t have done had I known what it would turn out to be, but that’s for another time). It should in some ways still feel new. New job, new home, new neighborhood. To some people this would be absolutely too much. They have a “home” and they don’t stray far from it. While I admit I have gone back to the place I grew up numerous times, I’ve never really felt “at home” there. Eventually I always get the urge to leave. And I have, many times.
The “trend” started in college. I attended a school close to home and hated it. I hardly attended classes. Then a friend took me on a tour of his school, three hours away from home and the price was right too. So, I transferred. I enjoyed my time there and after a while I stopped going back “home” on weekends. I made a lot of friends who I spent time with, but after four years there, I got the itch again and the timing was nearly perfect. I was offered an internship at a record company in New York City. I couldn’t say no to that!
I moved nearly all my belongings back to the place I grew up, packed a couple bags, shipped a box of stuff and set out by AmTrak for NYC. Naturally, we arrived in the city late as our train hit a car that tried to beat us to the crossing. They didn’t make it. I will tell you, though, being a passenger, traveling alone on a train the first few days in January, the dead of winter, feeling the train slowing in the middle of the night, suddenly smelling gas and seeing all the train employees racing for the back of the train really makes you question a few things (like if you should be following suit!).
So, upon arriving in New York, I got into a taxi to take me to my new “home”. I’d never taken the subway or a taxi before. The cab driver asked me how to get where I needed to go. How cute. (No, not really.) I’m pretty sure he ripped me off. Lesson learned.
The next day was my first day of my internship. Would have been great if I knew where the company was. I had to wait until the time I was supposed to arrive to call and ask where it was and how to get there. Queue my first subway ride. (I do miss the 1 train commute in the mornings.) I learned my way around, met a lot of great people, made some great contacts and still miss the city like crazy, even though I only lived there for about two months.
Now, most people I meet wouldn’t dream of doing that. They would be scared shitless to move to a place that big, where they’ve never been before, and don’t know anyone, but, I’m not anyone. I seem to do this a lot. My life is VERY fast paced. You either keep up or get out of the way. I’ve done this same thing moving to San Diego, St Louis and all over Wisconsin, most recently to my current location. So, maybe that’s why it feels normal to me. I don’t have any where that feels like home, so home is just where ever I am at.
That’s not the only thing that I think sets me apart from the majority. I’ve always found it a bit odd that other people didn’t just understand things. It’s hard to fathom that peoples’ manner of how they think, how they learn, is so varying. I just understand things. They just make sense. I rarely need explanation, but when I do, be ready for a bunch of questions, because I want to understand.
I don’t remember reading ANY book as required for school. I didn’t even watch the movies. I just took the things I knew and deduced the rest. Apparently there are fewer of us out there that think this way than I thought. I have had people get angry with me because I told them I never studied in school and still managed to get pretty good grades. (Granted, you could tell which subjects I really didn’t care for.)
Maybe at some points people resented me for this. I don’t know, but I do know that some people used me for this skill and sometimes still will. When you put a lot of time and effort into something and someone else takes the credit, well, I hope most of you never have to experience that. Some of it is my own fault and I should honestly take my own advice. Don’t let your happiness rely on what others can give you. I’m horrible at this. I’m always helping more than I should, but feel guilty if I don’t, and I try too hard to keep people around me. I never said I was perfect. My friend was right. Today he posted as his Facebook status: “Desire is the underlying cause of dissatisfaction. To the degree we have desire, to that degree we suffer.” (from Eight Mindful Steps to Happiness: Walking the Budda’s Path by Bhante Henepola Gunaratana).
It’s much more disappointing when I reach out to friends and don’t hear back than if I’d just not worry about it and find something else to occupy my mind. Maybe someday I’ll learn. It’s a work in progress. No promises, but I’m trying. Yes, yes, I know. There is no try.
I set some goals this year and I intend to accomplish a good many of them, if not all of them, but they will take time. So, I’ll take my time and do what needs to be done. I suggest you buckle up, I’m really not sure where this ride’s going to take me, but I’m ready for more changes, so, here we go.