Monthly Archives: November 2013

If I should die tomorrow…

I'm Not Afraid of Change, I'm More Afraid of Staying the Same.It’s rather surreal to think that should I die unexpectedly, I’m quite sure there would be a fair number of people to see me out of this world, yet while I am still here, breathing, living life, I struggle to feel wanted. I sit home often wondering why no one calls, why invites don’t come, and what I should be doing differently to change this. After all, change starts with yourself, right?

It’s been this way since I can remember. Friends coming and going. Meeting new people through one new friend and never quite fitting in. I find that talking to people who are old enough to be my parents is more satisfying conversation than that I have with people in my generation. This tends to cause another issue, however. I don’t want to date anyone old enough to be my father. I tend to gravitate toward younger men. This hasn’t worked out as well as hoped either.

So, I sit home. Chat with a few people over the interwebs and check out events that are going on in the area. There’s really not much that intrigues me, and intriguing me goes a long way. It’s one thing that motivates me to do things. I’m always wanting to know more about things, people, just in general. The sad part of it all? I’m an extrovert. An ENTP to be exact and yet I find it immensely difficult to get myself up on a given night, and head out to a Meetup where I might find some great new friends. I hesitate because they are nearly always at bars and I just don’t have the mindset like most others in this area. I don’t want to get drunk to run away from my problems. I’ve been doing well enough at literally running away from them for years.

I’ve had more addresses in my life than about 10 people combined in their whole life. Recently for a new job they asked for my background history, including where I had previously lived. I had to ask if they really wanted all 30+ addresses. Mind you, I’m only in my mid-30s, and my family has only moved once since I was born. It’s all been me and as I grow older I realize or rather become aware that it’s all been because of situations in which I felt moving was the answer. Getting away, starting anew. Well, as you can imagine, it doesn’t work out nearly as well as it sounds it would. East Coast, West Coast, Mid-West and almost the deep South. I can’t really imagine it would have been different.

I’m finding again, now, that I want to run. I want to get away from the things that are confusing me, that just run circles in my mind. Like the friend, who is more than a friend, but not. I know, that doesn’t make sense. He is my Bennie. He tells me he cares about me and that he won’t abandon me like all the others have. Yet when push comes to shove and I tell him the truth that I don’t feel we should be more than friends, it doesn’t last. I don’t blame him for this. He’s only doing what we’ve been doing for years. Off and on, again and again. It’s me that’s addicted to the attention. Always have been and it’s unfortunately led me to here.

I didn’t view it as an addiction until recently, but all signs are pointing to yes. I felt ignored as a child. Friends never stayed. Distant relatives made it known how little they liked me (which looking back shouldn’t have mattered, but I was in school with them and it was a VERY small school). I didn’t think I was well liked all those years, later to find out that my hard exterior actually intimidated some and they were afraid to talk to me. (Guess that didn’t work out as well as expected.) So, I’ve always had people around and felt completely alone.

It’s been proven that even a hug can make a person feel better, feel wanted. I didn’t know that little gesture was so much to ask. Over the years, man after man in my life was only there for one thing. Many will lie and say it was more, a select few will actually be telling the truth, but most? They were only there to get their rocks off and be completely selfish about it. They would continue to lie to me and tell me things I thought I wanted to hear and I would take it all in because of that overwhelming addiction to just feel wanted. It’s a vicious cycle and I’m trying to break free of it. It’s not going to be easy but I’m determined. I want a life where I don’t second guess everything and everyone in their words and actions. Maybe one day someone will prove me wrong.