Monthly Archives: April 2014

Say Thank You She Said…

Two little words that I struggle with. Even in the simplest situations. It’s not that I’m not grateful, I just don’t think to say it. It’s one of the things I’m becoming aware of on this journey of betterment I’m on.

I’m not sure I’ve ever been accepting of compliments. Sure, there are times I put up my wall and fake it with the best of them, but underneath, I don’t believe the things people tell me. Not because I believe they aren’t being honest, but I don’t see those things in myself. Self-critical one said. Especially more so in my career than every day life, but it bleeds over between the two.

For years I have had people who were kind to me. Would give me things. Buy things for me. Offer me assistance when doing a project or moving. It still continues to this day. Is it wrong that I feel like I’m not worthy of their generosity? Like I owe them something in return? I struggle to kindly say thank you and just appreciate their kindness with nothing more. I find myself saying the simplest phrase late, almost to the point of forgetting and at times having to come back to the matter in an after thought. I’m not perfect.

The problem is I strive to be. I want to be able to say thank you to a heartfelt comment without the feeling in the pit of my stomach that I don’t deserve what I’m being given. This feeling is one small piece of a larger issue of my codependency. That mixed with my ADHD, PTSD, anxiety and slight depression, well, I’m a walking shit show.

The funny thing about being aware of these things? It makes you work harder to realize and notice the things you do within each of these illnesses. You strive harder to fix them. To reach near perfection. I have gone years without understanding why I am the way I am. And it brings me to question, am I heading off a mid life crisis at the pass, or is this, in fact, MY mid life crisis? Will it all turn around from here?

One can hope, but as they say, hope in one bucket, shit in the other and see which fills up faster. Hope is not enough. Do or do not. There is no try. And I’m a doer. (I’m the “bitch that gets shit done”.) I’m proactively taking steps to work with my issues. Resolve those I can, lessen the effects on myself and others for the ones I cannot. One day, maybe this shit show will be able to do that which she desires and truly help someone else. That goal may have already been met, but in the eyes of someone seeking perfection with a codependency problem, she will try to fix the world.

Try to take over the world

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All I’ve Got to Do

Well, my dearest reader, it’s been a long time since I’ve graced this blog with content and I feel I have a confession to make…..I’m a failure.

I have failed to listen to my critics, my biggest adversaries and to be quite honest, my own family. I have proven my failures in the courses I took in college, with the failed career choices I have made and with the lack of anything spectacular to show for the 30+ years I’ve been on this earth.

However, it is through these failures that I have become the person you read about here in these words. I am grateful for the people who told me throughout my life that I would fail, and for the classes and instructors who told me I never had the right answers because they weren’t the ones in the book. Without those things I wouldn’t have experienced the many (and I mean MANY) careers I tried before I found myself where I am today. The funny part about it though? I still don’t feel accomplished.

There’s a fine line between doing a good job and feeling like you’ve made a difference. I’m told time and again what great things I do, but I still view them as failures. Maybe because I still don’t feel like I’ve hit that home run that to me will feel like I’ve really, truly done something good.

Recently, I hosted (along with the association I serve on a board for) our normal monthly event. I pushed hard to bring in our after dinner guest speaker, who I knew would be just edgy enough to either completely win or fail with all the spectaularness that is the fourth of July in a hurricane. I put everything I had behind this event, pushing for increased funding, for increased promotion, and I’m sure with every detail that I tried to make sure was just right, I annoyed more than my fair share of people who assisted me with this venture.

But, through all of that, through all the worry, the stress, the butterflies and the laughter, I again survived. I proved I am capable of doing what I love to do, I have the support of others who have the same passion as I do and, dammit, I’m good at it too. (Take THAT naysayers!) However, maybe it’s my humility that brings me down off that pedestal and leaves me still questioning if I did it the best I could.

I once had a wise man tell me “The enemy of great is good enough.” This phrase has brought so much meaning to everything I do. The frustration of people who don’t care, of those who feel they have no accountability, “it’s good enough.” I can’t do things that way. I hope this event wasn’t just “good enough.” I hope that it was the start of my yellow brick road to that big shiny city that is just waiting for me to come up and knock on its gates. I see the dream, I know the path that leads there. It’s time to shake off the dead weight and make my way.