Two little words that I struggle with. Even in the simplest situations. It’s not that I’m not grateful, I just don’t think to say it. It’s one of the things I’m becoming aware of on this journey of betterment I’m on.
I’m not sure I’ve ever been accepting of compliments. Sure, there are times I put up my wall and fake it with the best of them, but underneath, I don’t believe the things people tell me. Not because I believe they aren’t being honest, but I don’t see those things in myself. Self-critical one said. Especially more so in my career than every day life, but it bleeds over between the two.
For years I have had people who were kind to me. Would give me things. Buy things for me. Offer me assistance when doing a project or moving. It still continues to this day. Is it wrong that I feel like I’m not worthy of their generosity? Like I owe them something in return? I struggle to kindly say thank you and just appreciate their kindness with nothing more. I find myself saying the simplest phrase late, almost to the point of forgetting and at times having to come back to the matter in an after thought. I’m not perfect.
The problem is I strive to be. I want to be able to say thank you to a heartfelt comment without the feeling in the pit of my stomach that I don’t deserve what I’m being given. This feeling is one small piece of a larger issue of my codependency. That mixed with my ADHD, PTSD, anxiety and slight depression, well, I’m a walking shit show.
The funny thing about being aware of these things? It makes you work harder to realize and notice the things you do within each of these illnesses. You strive harder to fix them. To reach near perfection. I have gone years without understanding why I am the way I am. And it brings me to question, am I heading off a mid life crisis at the pass, or is this, in fact, MY mid life crisis? Will it all turn around from here?
One can hope, but as they say, hope in one bucket, shit in the other and see which fills up faster. Hope is not enough. Do or do not. There is no try. And I’m a doer. (I’m the “bitch that gets shit done”.) I’m proactively taking steps to work with my issues. Resolve those I can, lessen the effects on myself and others for the ones I cannot. One day, maybe this shit show will be able to do that which she desires and truly help someone else. That goal may have already been met, but in the eyes of someone seeking perfection with a codependency problem, she will try to fix the world.