Monthly Archives: May 2014

What Do I Want?

It’s a question that has been asked many times. The answer? Well, that changes as many times as it’s asked.

Some may ask “who” I want. The answer to that question is almost always “I don’t know.” When it comes to determining how someone else will fit into your crazy, well, there’s a lot to think about. Overthought is typically what happens and I need to remember to step back and question myself, what do I want?

So, it starts off simple. Someone to talk to, who makes me smile. Someone who understands the importance of a short hello message which in the right circumstances can mean the world. I’m not asking for all someone’s attention. In fact, if they are unable to stand on their own two feet and from time to time tell me no, then I’m not interested. That also goes for those who want me to know everything about them and them of me. Intrigue is a must. Keep me guessing. It may not be a game, but if it’s not fun to play, what’s the point?

I’ve had my share of needy men, nay, boys. They take and take until there’s nothing left. At one point I decided I needed to be selfish. Take care of MY needs. I thought this was working to my advantage, and for a time it did, but somewhere down this path, things changed. It became more about him than me and it never was or will be us. So now I reevaluate. What do I want?

I want someone to tell me things will be okay when I’m not able to do that for myself. I want someone who knows how sincere a kiss on the forehead can be. I want someone to be selfless when the times are right. I want to be held and touched to know that I am cared for. These things are missing for me. I’m not requesting after-sex cuddling. I’m not asking for a kiss goodbye upon every encounter, just what feels right. And if it doesn’t feel right, then the rest shouldn’t either.

Maybe that’s been my problem. The rest hasn’t felt right and I haven’t bothered to listen to myself. Though, at the same time, I’m overly cautious of what else is out there. I don’t want just anyone who is willing to show me some affection to get what they are after. I’ve played that game and lost. There are just some things that shouldn’t be relived. However, how do you put yourself out there without some semblance of vulnerability?

You don’t. You can’t go fishing in the ocean and not expect to come across a shark once in a while. There will always be someone who is ready and willing to take you at your worst. Weeding out these bottom feeders is a learning process and for someone with codependency issues, this is no easy feat. I will continue to search and fail, but maybe sometime I might find someone who is willing to ride this rollercoaster with me or better yet, guide me to a different ride entirely. Who knows?


So, THESE are my people…

Appreciate Good People. It took 35 years, hundreds of mistakes and many moves to find my people. So many paths to take, so many options, but in the end, you know who they are. Those people who don’t judge you for your choices. Who respect the mistakes you make and the lessons they leave you to learn for your own good. Never reaching too far, but far enough that you open your eyes to what’s right in front of you. And you will still make mistakes, but they are there to pick you up dust you off and push you right back on your path of life.

Without these people, I don’t know how I’ve gotten as far as I have. I wouldn’t call it a destructive path, but definitely one I wouldn’t recommend to anyone. I’ve seen and done things I would choose to do differently if I were in those situations again. With any luck I won’t be, but through everything, I’ve found a new awareness. I’ve opened my eyes to the world around me and am still learning.

There are SO many different types of people. So many views. So much judgment. Perception is NOT always reality. To you it may seem, but for someone else, it is seen differently. Put yourself in the shoes of those you judge. Find out their story. Don’t place yourself above anyone else.

Feelings are a funny thing and they can lie to you. Something can seem shiny and interesting. That doesn’t always make it good. Pay attention to signs. Don’t succumb to old habits and be aware. These are lessons I’m learning and sharing with you, dearest reader.

One day, I’ll find directions to the feelings store. I will have some returns to make and I may even make a few new purchases, but for now, I’ll settle for knowing that I’m surrounded by some great people and that will be enough for me.

You want company? Have you tried Craigslist?

It can be utterly amazing that someone who is so down on themselves can so easily turn on the people who try to help them. If only people would learn to open their eyes and see what’s in front of them. I want the company of someone who can understand that it’s not always about them. Maybe I’m stepping too far, but I’ve learned I need to watch out for myself and not fix the world. Unfortunately, sometimes I’m the one that needs fixing and the outlets just aren’t where I’d like them to be.

I want so badly to just go away. To get in my car and drive, without destination. Just to get away from here. Here hasn’t been what I’d like it to be in longer than I can remember. But, at the same time, where ever I have gone hasn’t been it either. I always seem to come back to the start. Maybe it’s Karma telling me the one issue I need to deal with. Unfortunately, that ONE person will never change. That relationship will never change. And it still affects me. I hate that it does.

I’ve picked up and moved away so many times. Thinking a fresh, new start, new people, THIS time, it will be different. It’s not. The same types of people, the same situations. If it’s not them, it must be me, but breaking free of the codependency is no easy task. I look in the mirror and most days am not pleased with what’s staring back at me. I wonder what people see in me. I know I’m accomplished. Doesn’t mean I feel accomplished.

Just once it would be nice to have something move forward without taking what feels like a huge chunk out of myself. It took 5 years to open up and talk to me and seconds to shut that door back in my face making me feel worthless and only there for his use. Apparently the feelings of others are something that shouldn’t be acknowledged. Guess I should know that considering where I grew up and the way I’ve been treated all my life.

Tomorrow will be a new day, I’m sure, but that doesn’t mean that I can just turn a blind eye to the hurt that is so easily caused. I’m doubtful I’ll break free of this looping coaster anytime soon. Might be nice if I wasn’t riding alone.