It can be utterly amazing that someone who is so down on themselves can so easily turn on the people who try to help them. If only people would learn to open their eyes and see what’s in front of them. I want the company of someone who can understand that it’s not always about them. Maybe I’m stepping too far, but I’ve learned I need to watch out for myself and not fix the world. Unfortunately, sometimes I’m the one that needs fixing and the outlets just aren’t where I’d like them to be.
I want so badly to just go away. To get in my car and drive, without destination. Just to get away from here. Here hasn’t been what I’d like it to be in longer than I can remember. But, at the same time, where ever I have gone hasn’t been it either. I always seem to come back to the start. Maybe it’s Karma telling me the one issue I need to deal with. Unfortunately, that ONE person will never change. That relationship will never change. And it still affects me. I hate that it does.
I’ve picked up and moved away so many times. Thinking a fresh, new start, new people, THIS time, it will be different. It’s not. The same types of people, the same situations. If it’s not them, it must be me, but breaking free of the codependency is no easy task. I look in the mirror and most days am not pleased with what’s staring back at me. I wonder what people see in me. I know I’m accomplished. Doesn’t mean I feel accomplished.
Just once it would be nice to have something move forward without taking what feels like a huge chunk out of myself. It took 5 years to open up and talk to me and seconds to shut that door back in my face making me feel worthless and only there for his use. Apparently the feelings of others are something that shouldn’t be acknowledged. Guess I should know that considering where I grew up and the way I’ve been treated all my life.
Tomorrow will be a new day, I’m sure, but that doesn’t mean that I can just turn a blind eye to the hurt that is so easily caused. I’m doubtful I’ll break free of this looping coaster anytime soon. Might be nice if I wasn’t riding alone.