It’s a question that has been asked many times. The answer? Well, that changes as many times as it’s asked.
Some may ask “who” I want. The answer to that question is almost always “I don’t know.” When it comes to determining how someone else will fit into your crazy, well, there’s a lot to think about. Overthought is typically what happens and I need to remember to step back and question myself, what do I want?
So, it starts off simple. Someone to talk to, who makes me smile. Someone who understands the importance of a short hello message which in the right circumstances can mean the world. I’m not asking for all someone’s attention. In fact, if they are unable to stand on their own two feet and from time to time tell me no, then I’m not interested. That also goes for those who want me to know everything about them and them of me. Intrigue is a must. Keep me guessing. It may not be a game, but if it’s not fun to play, what’s the point?
I’ve had my share of needy men, nay, boys. They take and take until there’s nothing left. At one point I decided I needed to be selfish. Take care of MY needs. I thought this was working to my advantage, and for a time it did, but somewhere down this path, things changed. It became more about him than me and it never was or will be us. So now I reevaluate. What do I want?
I want someone to tell me things will be okay when I’m not able to do that for myself. I want someone who knows how sincere a kiss on the forehead can be. I want someone to be selfless when the times are right. I want to be held and touched to know that I am cared for. These things are missing for me. I’m not requesting after-sex cuddling. I’m not asking for a kiss goodbye upon every encounter, just what feels right. And if it doesn’t feel right, then the rest shouldn’t either.
Maybe that’s been my problem. The rest hasn’t felt right and I haven’t bothered to listen to myself. Though, at the same time, I’m overly cautious of what else is out there. I don’t want just anyone who is willing to show me some affection to get what they are after. I’ve played that game and lost. There are just some things that shouldn’t be relived. However, how do you put yourself out there without some semblance of vulnerability?
You don’t. You can’t go fishing in the ocean and not expect to come across a shark once in a while. There will always be someone who is ready and willing to take you at your worst. Weeding out these bottom feeders is a learning process and for someone with codependency issues, this is no easy feat. I will continue to search and fail, but maybe sometime I might find someone who is willing to ride this rollercoaster with me or better yet, guide me to a different ride entirely. Who knows?