Tag Archives: ADHD

Say Thank You She Said…

Two little words that I struggle with. Even in the simplest situations. It’s not that I’m not grateful, I just don’t think to say it. It’s one of the things I’m becoming aware of on this journey of betterment I’m on.

I’m not sure I’ve ever been accepting of compliments. Sure, there are times I put up my wall and fake it with the best of them, but underneath, I don’t believe the things people tell me. Not because I believe they aren’t being honest, but I don’t see those things in myself. Self-critical one said. Especially more so in my career than every day life, but it bleeds over between the two.

For years I have had people who were kind to me. Would give me things. Buy things for me. Offer me assistance when doing a project or moving. It still continues to this day. Is it wrong that I feel like I’m not worthy of their generosity? Like I owe them something in return? I struggle to kindly say thank you and just appreciate their kindness with nothing more. I find myself saying the simplest phrase late, almost to the point of forgetting and at times having to come back to the matter in an after thought. I’m not perfect.

The problem is I strive to be. I want to be able to say thank you to a heartfelt comment without the feeling in the pit of my stomach that I don’t deserve what I’m being given. This feeling is one small piece of a larger issue of my codependency. That mixed with my ADHD, PTSD, anxiety and slight depression, well, I’m a walking shit show.

The funny thing about being aware of these things? It makes you work harder to realize and notice the things you do within each of these illnesses. You strive harder to fix them. To reach near perfection. I have gone years without understanding why I am the way I am. And it brings me to question, am I heading off a mid life crisis at the pass, or is this, in fact, MY mid life crisis? Will it all turn around from here?

One can hope, but as they say, hope in one bucket, shit in the other and see which fills up faster. Hope is not enough. Do or do not. There is no try. And I’m a doer. (I’m the “bitch that gets shit done”.) I’m proactively taking steps to work with my issues. Resolve those I can, lessen the effects on myself and others for the ones I cannot. One day, maybe this shit show will be able to do that which she desires and truly help someone else. That goal may have already been met, but in the eyes of someone seeking perfection with a codependency problem, she will try to fix the world.

Try to take over the world

Advertisements

Good things come to those who wait…are we there yet?

Ever have one of those days where you just couldn’t focus on what you should be doing? Today is one of those days. Changes are coming and I can’t stop thinking about them. It might be something to do with my ADOS (Attention Deficit Ooo! Shiny!, more commonly known as ADHD), but this time I think it’s just my impatience. I know what’s in store and I just don’t want to wait.

I have never been good at waiting for things. I prefer the instant gratification of shopping in a store rather than waiting for a delivery. I have left bars and restaurants when the service was too slow. I get a little over the line in waiting for responses to some text messages.  (Getting a random ? from me means “Hurry up! I’m waiting!”) So, yeah, I probably have a problem, but I do realize the importance of having to wait for the things that are really, truly important.  I waited for nearly ten years for something to happen in my life, and when it did, well, besides the fact that I had to convince myself it happened, I screwed it up with impatience. Even though said individual once told me “patience doesn’t become you”, that is a major reason things ended.

Patience maybe a virtue, but at times I think you either have it or you don’t. I hate waiting for answers, for opportunities I know are coming, especially dislike waiting for food when I’m hungry (for those who know me well, they know how true this is!). So, that being said, and since I said I’d share my life with you without reservation, I will tell you.  I’m extremely anxious about a business meeting this week that could be a major opportunity for me. I’m also curious about someone I just met. I will admit I’m horrible at dating, but if anything, I am an honest person, many times too honest. I prefer to just be told the truth. Yes, not going to lie, the truth hurts sometimes, but really what good does lying to someone do when you are only postponing the inevitable?

This is why I’m bad at dating. I’m not good at the waiting game and I also want to have someone be straight forward with me. Don’t tell me you like me, want to hang out and spend time with me if you are only looking for sex. Be honest. BUT KNOW THIS! If that’s the only thing of interest, chances are you don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell. Now, say you talk to me a bit and we are friendly, well, then that may change things.  Contrary to popular belief, I don’t sleep with everyone I meet.

I have always been a flirt. My filter is cracked and I tend to say what’s on my mind.  I can tell you there are plenty of men out there that can confirm I shot them down. I live my life for me and having had many friends who have died too young, I realize how short life can be. So, I’m going to live it on my terms, not anyone else’s.

People who know me well have heard my theory on society, but since you, dear reader, have not, let me enlighten you. At some point, long ago in history, someone somewhere was a lone individual with a thought (think Inception). This one person told their thought to another person, and another, and this thought, now an idea, spread because the general consensus was that it was a good idea. Well, over time it became the norm. Say for instance, marriage. Long, long ago, one person (probably a man) decided he was going to marry a woman, for whatever the reason. So that became society’s norm. Well, sometime down the road, another one person had the idea that they loved someone of the same sex, so they also wanted to marry. Now this is one person fighting a majority of society. It doesn’t matter that it’s still only one person’s idea or thought versus another’s.

This is where I have little patience. I understand there is security in numbers, but honestly, is it so difficult to look at the bigger picture and see that all ideas are each, in their own way, a single thought worth listening to without harassing people for thinking differently? I’m not saying EVERY idea is right, but can we at least get to a point where we aren’t so damn judgmental and we can at least hear someone out?

By forcing lifestyles and ideals on people you end up with what you’ve always had and whether or not you’re scared of it, change is good. Diversity is wonderful. Freedoms are something to not take for granted. However, on that note, I also hope society isn’t so enthralled with themselves that they don’t realize their freedoms are slowly being stripped from them. Don’t believe me? Check out the new law that is being voted on Wednesday, December 21, 2011. It is the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA). You may say “yes, that’s wrong, people should be punished,” but, you need to inform yourself about all of it, because chances are it will affect you too. Do a little research, or at the very least watch this video. You should be outraged. I am. I can’t stomach the fact we can send our troops over to countries and act like we are the greatest nation in the world while our own government steps in and takes more and more of our rights away and no one does anything about it. Maybe it’s because, yet again, they are too afraid to fight the norm that is society. I don’t want to be a part of that society. I want to learn my own lessons from my mistakes, ask for advice and make my own decisions. When someone can prove to me honestly why each of these single ideas is so much greater than someone else’s (religions, politics, relationships, etc., etc., etc…) then I will take them into consideration, but until then, don’t judge me. Survival of the fittest still reigns, whether you believe it or not, and if you don’t, it may be time to open your eyes, take off the blinders and take a new look at the world we live in with a whole new perspective. Remember, this is YOUR life, no one else’s. Why should one person’s idea be the sole determination of how you live your life? You have a mind, thoughts and ideas. Use them.  Explore YOUR world.