Tag Archives: feelings

So, THESE are my people…

Appreciate Good People. It took 35 years, hundreds of mistakes and many moves to find my people. So many paths to take, so many options, but in the end, you know who they are. Those people who don’t judge you for your choices. Who respect the mistakes you make and the lessons they leave you to learn for your own good. Never reaching too far, but far enough that you open your eyes to what’s right in front of you. And you will still make mistakes, but they are there to pick you up dust you off and push you right back on your path of life.

Without these people, I don’t know how I’ve gotten as far as I have. I wouldn’t call it a destructive path, but definitely one I wouldn’t recommend to anyone. I’ve seen and done things I would choose to do differently if I were in those situations again. With any luck I won’t be, but through everything, I’ve found a new awareness. I’ve opened my eyes to the world around me and am still learning.

There are SO many different types of people. So many views. So much judgment. Perception is NOT always reality. To you it may seem, but for someone else, it is seen differently. Put yourself in the shoes of those you judge. Find out their story. Don’t place yourself above anyone else.

Feelings are a funny thing and they can lie to you. Something can seem shiny and interesting. That doesn’t always make it good. Pay attention to signs. Don’t succumb to old habits and be aware. These are lessons I’m learning and sharing with you, dearest reader.

One day, I’ll find directions to the feelings store. I will have some returns to make and I may even make a few new purchases, but for now, I’ll settle for knowing that I’m surrounded by some great people and that will be enough for me.


Starting anew?

Well, this world definitely is not perfect, but sometimes it tries. Over the last couple of weeks I have been proven wrong. Or at least it currently seems. Someone I thought was lost to me forever has again reappeared in my life. It had been over a year since I had heard anything from him and I will admit that I’m definitely skeptical. How could I not be? The man broke my heart without thinking twice about it.

Now I’m sure, dear reader, that you have an opinion, and a valid one at that, that is screaming “Don’t go back to him!”. It is a very valid argument and you are in the majority. Everyone has said the same thing. They know how crushed I was and they don’t want me to do it again. I agree, I don’t want to do it again either, but there are questions left unanswered and I’m not a person who will just let that go given the opportunity to acquire an answer.

So, over the past couple weeks, I’ve asked questions. And I’ve gotten some answers. I know it will take some time to find them all. In fact I’m sure there will remain some that are left unanswered when all is said and done.  And I’m okay with that.

He is talking to me again. Not only that, but he wants to see me. Maybe for nothing more than to salvage our friendship which was built over many years. To say I’m hopeful that maybe it could be more is probably a bit of an understatement. In the conversation we had, it wasn’t ruled out, but we both did agree that we needed to take things slowly as we have a friendship neither of us cares to lose.

After the events of the past, I know I am on edge as I don’t know what will happen and I know it will be all too easy to fall for him again. Now don’t get me wrong, he’s by no means the perfect man, and he’s one that would admit that. He’s hurt me once and most, okay all of my friends have said they don’t feel he deserves a second chance, but that chance is mine to give. I hope I don’t regret it.

I don’t know for sure what I’m getting myself into, but honestly I don’t think he does either. It’s something we will have to explore. We do both agree that some things now are different. I’m happy he wants to see me and talk to me but I’m so afraid that I could screw something up and this time he would never talk to me again. I don’t know fully what I do want from him, but I’m not so sure he knows either.

He is a very hard person to read and he’s purposely vague. He feels it keeps things simple. Over the years I’ve learned how to pull some answers out of him though. And right now he’s answering me. I didn’t ask all he questions I wanted to. It took a bit too long to get to that part of the conversation. But It sounded like he was willing to talk again, and soon.  I’m doing my best to not read too much into things. “Play it by ear” he said. He didn’t say no. That to me is huge, but again leaves the possibility that some how, I will mess it up. Normal feelings you say? Well, maybe for someone else, but I’m not really a feelings kinda girl. It’s why I value my bennies. I typically don’t have feelings, but this one is different. I don’t know why. Chemistry maybe? Opposites attracting? Who knows. All I know is right now he’s back and I’m so many emotions that I don’t even know how to describe it. I will say one thing though, having been married and now divorced, I do everything in my power not to swear. The use of the L word or the M word is frowned upon in my vocabulary. So, that being said, I may have at one time had to admit that as much as I didn’t want to, somehow this one found that feeling in me and when push came to shove, the admission of the feeling was the end of me. Had it not been for that pesky little L word, none of the rest would have mattered.  But it was there. So now I again go against the best advice and potentially set myself up for devastation. Let’s hope for both our sakes that I’m wrong.