Tag Archives: friends

If I should die tomorrow…

I'm Not Afraid of Change, I'm More Afraid of Staying the Same.It’s rather surreal to think that should I die unexpectedly, I’m quite sure there would be a fair number of people to see me out of this world, yet while I am still here, breathing, living life, I struggle to feel wanted. I sit home often wondering why no one calls, why invites don’t come, and what I should be doing differently to change this. After all, change starts with yourself, right?

It’s been this way since I can remember. Friends coming and going. Meeting new people through one new friend and never quite fitting in. I find that talking to people who are old enough to be my parents is more satisfying conversation than that I have with people in my generation. This tends to cause another issue, however. I don’t want to date anyone old enough to be my father. I tend to gravitate toward younger men. This hasn’t worked out as well as hoped either.

So, I sit home. Chat with a few people over the interwebs and check out events that are going on in the area. There’s really not much that intrigues me, and intriguing me goes a long way. It’s one thing that motivates me to do things. I’m always wanting to know more about things, people, just in general. The sad part of it all? I’m an extrovert. An ENTP to be exact and yet I find it immensely difficult to get myself up on a given night, and head out to a Meetup where I might find some great new friends. I hesitate because they are nearly always at bars and I just don’t have the mindset like most others in this area. I don’t want to get drunk to run away from my problems. I’ve been doing well enough at literally running away from them for years.

I’ve had more addresses in my life than about 10 people combined in their whole life. Recently for a new job they asked for my background history, including where I had previously lived. I had to ask if they really wanted all 30+ addresses. Mind you, I’m only in my mid-30s, and my family has only moved once since I was born. It’s all been me and as I grow older I realize or rather become aware that it’s all been because of situations in which I felt moving was the answer. Getting away, starting anew. Well, as you can imagine, it doesn’t work out nearly as well as it sounds it would. East Coast, West Coast, Mid-West and almost the deep South. I can’t really imagine it would have been different.

I’m finding again, now, that I want to run. I want to get away from the things that are confusing me, that just run circles in my mind. Like the friend, who is more than a friend, but not. I know, that doesn’t make sense. He is my Bennie. He tells me he cares about me and that he won’t abandon me like all the others have. Yet when push comes to shove and I tell him the truth that I don’t feel we should be more than friends, it doesn’t last. I don’t blame him for this. He’s only doing what we’ve been doing for years. Off and on, again and again. It’s me that’s addicted to the attention. Always have been and it’s unfortunately led me to here.

I didn’t view it as an addiction until recently, but all signs are pointing to yes. I felt ignored as a child. Friends never stayed. Distant relatives made it known how little they liked me (which looking back shouldn’t have mattered, but I was in school with them and it was a VERY small school). I didn’t think I was well liked all those years, later to find out that my hard exterior actually intimidated some and they were afraid to talk to me. (Guess that didn’t work out as well as expected.) So, I’ve always had people around and felt completely alone.

It’s been proven that even a hug can make a person feel better, feel wanted. I didn’t know that little gesture was so much to ask. Over the years, man after man in my life was only there for one thing. Many will lie and say it was more, a select few will actually be telling the truth, but most? They were only there to get their rocks off and be completely selfish about it. They would continue to lie to me and tell me things I thought I wanted to hear and I would take it all in because of that overwhelming addiction to just feel wanted. It’s a vicious cycle and I’m trying to break free of it. It’s not going to be easy but I’m determined. I want a life where I don’t second guess everything and everyone in their words and actions. Maybe one day someone will prove me wrong.

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I’ve always been one to have opinions. I believe everyone is entitled to theirs. I have found over time, however, that having an opinion is, for better or worse, frowned upon as a society. I wondered to myself the other day just when it was decided that being politically correct and nice (as in “I don’t want to hurt his/her feelings.”) became a higher standard than honesty?

I have met a LOT of people over my years and through that time, I have found people who are professional, those who are immature, those who are genius, and those who are just afraid. While there are more categories, I’m sure, I’m just making a point. Everyone is who they are. I’ve made friends. Great friends. People who will be there at any given moment I need them, no matter how far away they are or what they are involved in. I have also made “friends”. Those people who you think are decent friends until you are honest with them and suddenly, you’re their worst enemy. I tend to find that these are the individuals who are afraid to be themselves and when you are honest with them, they don’t want to face the reality. They would rather push away the great friend who would be there for them and live their life in their own little bubble.

It’s not any different in business. Business people are still just that…people. I’ve been told time and again I need to tighten my filter in a working environment. Why? I’m not passing judgment. I’m not telling you HOW to do your job. Why has society reached a point where they would rather play the business politics game rather than do what is common sense to make things better? I’ve struggled with this in job after job. You are told not to tell anyone what things in the business could be improved. In fact I’ve lost a few jobs because I tried to make things better.

Honesty has become something that is hidden away like the bastard step-child of King Henry VIII. It’s unfortunate that in a time when so many people are just trying to get by in their lives, that the ONE thing that could be their salvation in times of need is something that is deemed a negative influence. Business are ripped apart by judgments. People forget they are the sole conductor in the symphony that is their own life. Choose to live by your opinions, but don’t judge others for theirs. Don’t demean others for a different point of view. Embrace it and if you feel so strongly about a situation, rather than just complain about it verbally or, as many do so often now, post about it on social media, remember that the only way that things will be different is if YOU decide to make a change. Take a stand. Don’t be just another lemming following everyone else off the cliff. Stop. Stand up. Be counted. And above all else, be honest, if not to others, at least with yourself.


Some things I’ve learned this year…

People are wired to think differently, and more than the obvious.

  • For years I couldn’t understand why people couldn’t learn things like I did. I didn’t study. I didn’t read the books. I just knew the answers. This isn’t the same for everyone. Still strikes me how few others see things in this light. It has also made me realize the importance of patience in explaining some things to people.

A brain hemorrhage can make someone crazy.

  • It used to be an excuse or joke that my mother didn’t know what she was talking about after her brain hemorrhage when I was younger. I didn’t really truly believe it, but now that I’m older, and have experienced more in this world, I’ve taken in a great deal of knowledge to believe it to be true. I believe that as her brain healed from the trauma, it needed to wire itself in a different way. I think she lost some emotion in that event, that any compassion she may have felt was lost. There has to be some rational, logical explanation as to why she would want to harm her own child, right?

I’m good.

  • Not like better than others, but in general. I’ve reached a point in my life where my values have changed a bit and I’m happy. I look at the things and people around me and it’s not bad. I have friends, who like myself, get it. They know they can be honest with me and they know I will be honest with them. That I will point out things to them that they may not like about themselves, but I’ve found that telling them in such a way as to let them truly think about it for themselves, they see where I’m coming from. I also have a career that, even though I’m not always sure I’m on the right path, I know I’m on a path that has led me to meet a LOT of great individuals and through the jobs and organizations I’ve been involved in, I’ve earned a lot of respect. It’s very humbling to have people come to you that you would normally see as mentors and they ask for your help. Through this I’ve learned that I’m doing things right. Maybe in a bit of an unorthodox way, but at the end of it all, right nonetheless.

I’ve learned who true friends can be.

  • And that these friends change over time. The ones that really matter to me are the ones who are there.

A conscience decision to change things in your life can take you a long way, and probably not in ways you expect.

  • I used to feel very unspecial. Always the outsider, and learned to accept and like that, but at the same time, I found a way to use that to my advantage. If everyone did the same things it would be a very boring world. Having watched my mother and grandmother constantly worry about every little thing and having many people die over the last few years, I decided I didn’t want to waste my life worrying. Life is too short for that. I want to die with no regrets. And honestly, right now I could say that would be true. I see people talk about how miserable they are, but they don’t realize they have the power to change the things that they are unhappy about.

I’m starting over…again.

  • New place, new job, new friends (to add to the old ones), new experiences and who know what else. Sometimes you need a fresh start and while many might be afraid to leave much of what they know, there’s something in that struggle to survive that always pushes me forward. I’m not leaving it all behind, but I’m adding a new chapter, which leads me to…

Yes, I’m a good writer.

  • I write well. Maybe not always grammatically correct (inside joke), but it’s something that I’ve found as an outlet many, many times over the years. Just recently have I started letting others read it. I have had many the person who has told me I should write a book about my life, and I can’t say I’ve not thought about it, numerous times. In a way I view this as a start to that project. And with all the recent events, I’m starting to believe now is the time for me to potentially pursue that thought. So, I’ve decided to do a few things:
  1. After I get moved, I plan to find myself a counselor. There have been a LOT of changes for me and I want to make sure I process them all in a healthy way.
  2. I’m going to meet new people and not hole up in my new home.
  3. I’m going to find a writer, editor or publisher to talk about organizing my thoughts for this book.

I’ll keep you updated.


Real friends get the full story, not just the Cliff Notes…

Friend is definitely a word with many definitions. When we were young, it meant someone who would share toys or cookies, someone who would want you to play at their house and have sleepovers. Then, you got a little older and your friends were the ones you tried to schedule classes with, took rides to the mall with and started talking about all the things that seemed so important at the time. Up to that point many friendships fade for people like me. The real and true friends were the ones who I met when I seemed to be truly discovering myself.

College was my first opportunity to really venture out on my own, make my own decisions with my own consequences and honestly find out how well I learned from any mistakes I made. It was also a major learning experience in who the people where that I would consider friends. Lots of things happen when you first go away to college. I was no different in that sense.

I started my college days at a University of Wisconsin school. I found after one semester that it was too close to home and I needed to transfer. I worked with a guy at a local supper club who attended a different UW school that was about 3 hours from home – just far enough to be away, but not so far that I couldn’t easily get home if I wanted to. He took me on a campus tour (he was a resident assistant) and I liked the campus, not to mention it was good to know someone there already. (Plus, not going to lie, the ratio of guys to girls at the time was 3 to 1.)

I decided to move down to that school and started meeting people almost immediately. Some of the people I met in my first few weeks are people who I still make a point to visit now almost 15 years later. (Yeah, not giving away my age on that one at all!) These were people who were members of fraternities, who were studying the same major as me or were simply friends of the guy who had convinced me to go to that school in the first place.

I guess I should clarify here. This guy was only a co-worker and one I would have considered a friend at the time. We still talk on a rare occasion, but in all honesty, when you really learn who people are, your views of them tend to change. I did not go to that school because I was one of those girls who was young, stupid and only went there to follow a boy. That, I believe, is one of the dumbest reasons to choose a school that will set you up with your knowledge base to live the rest of your life. But, I digress…

So, after a short while at college, I met one of my best friends. You know, the type that would help you hide the bodies? Just kidding. He and I had dealt with many of things over the years and we had the same viewpoints on most which made it easy to understand each other. It is absolutely amazing when you have one of those friends that you can say anything to and they get it. You don’t have to explain, they don’t judge and they also have your back, even if it means telling you something you do NOT want to hear but that you NEED to hear. That is a true friend. I will agree that in most aspects, a true friend will also keep your secrets, but this is where I’ve found some people tend to get a bit confused.

I became friends a few years back with one of my regular bartenders. (This is nothing new to me having been a bartender for nearly 15 years.) He and I got to talking one night as he was telling me about wanting to divorce his wife. I was also going through some issues in my marriage and was curious to know when he realized it was time to throw in the towel. Well, skip forward a bit and he and his wife decided to reconcile. He then introduced me to her and she and I started to hang out fairly regularly. She started telling me about her infidelities. I wasn’t going to judge. People do what they are going to do. I was keeping her secrets, but I was also wasn’t lying to her husband either, though I also knew of his infidelities too. So, we all got along for maybe a little over a year. Then, this woman, who I thought was my friend, threw me under the proverbial bus. She called me one night and told me one of her married co-workers had his wife leaving town for the weekend in two weeks and she needed me to pick her up from her house (where she lived with her husband) and drive her to her co-worker’s house. She then stated that she would call me when she needed a ride back home. Now, if you’re reading this and don’t see a problem with it, pay attention, because I’m going to explain it for you.

There seems to be a VERY thin line for some people between the definitions of friend and accomplice. Now, some people would think a person keeps the secrets of their friends and vice versa just because they are friends, but if you believe that is cause enough to make someone keep your secrets you are sadly mistaken. I’ve made choices in my life that may not have been the best ones, but, me, unlike this “friend”, know that you deal with consequences in life and you don’t hold things over anyone, especially those you consider true friends. Probably needless to say, this woman dug herself a hole and continues to do so from things I hear. When you give people a reason, they will talk about you, and well, lots of people have been talking about her for quite some time.

I also partially blame her selfishness for having lost someone that I considered a friend, and more than a friend if I’m to be completely honest with you. When people don’t understand things, it’s in their best interest to just stay out of it. For no reason should a proclamation of ones feelings for someone with no intention to do anything about them be reason to have someone stab you in the heart (metaphorically speaking of course). I’m not going to blame this woman fully, as she was not the sole person to cause such disrupt in my life for a time, but her childish, selfish justifications for the things she was doing were a proponent of what came to be in the end. (Just gonna throw this out there…I’m truly sorry for all the bullshit you dealt with Casey. It never should have been that way.)

I feel that true friends are the ones who are maybe not always there, but they get you, they understand your life, your crazy ways, your ADOS, and when it counts, they know you. And that makes a big difference. I know a LOT of people, but there are only some who bear that badge of friend. I ask you, reader, to be conscience of who it is that you hold dear to you and consider just why they are that way. Don’t become one of the unbeknownst accomplices. Life is too short to be forced to keep someone else’s dirty secrets.