Ah, birthdays. Good? Bad? Evil? Not really sure yet. Still too early to tell for this year. I will say I haven’t had many, if any, that have been terribly memorable. (Part of that may be that I feel like I have early onset Alzheimer’s, but I’m sure it’s more likely my last 15+ years in the bar.) The agenda for this year really isn’t too far different. I’ll meet up with fellow birthday buddies for some beverages. I had my birthday dinner last night and I get the few texts and Facebook birthday wishes. Eh…I like them, but I almost feel like it’s gotten to a point where nothing is personal anymore. It all just kind of happens, then it’s over and onto something else.
Maybe I expect too much. Not just for my birthday, but in general. I could be greedy. Na- I probably am greedy. Don’t know for certain though, because I’ve never really been to a point where I wasn’t doing the things I did just to get by rather than having the time when everything else maintained on its own and I could just do, just be. There are things I want in my life and some of them I’ve had a taste of. Many I’m still searching for. Have to say some make me feel like Ponce de Leon. I thoroughly enjoyed my time in New York City even if it was cut short and I also liked some aspects of the time I spent living on the southwest coast. Can’t say I would have moved west had I known how that would turn out, but que sera.
Some things in my life have been easier than others, and some things have been a down right bitch to deal with. One of those things is my family. Yes, I have one, however, beyond that, I wouldn’t say we are close. There is no real sign of affection, but there is a definite lamentation handed out on a regular basis. Nothing like questioning yourself when you have at least one parent who will consistently tell you how little you’re worth and why the world revolves around them. Yet, to come as far as I have feels like something of an accomplishment for me. I haven’t taken the easy road, but, to be fully honest, I’ve not taken the hardest one either.
So, then you can imagine how it is that with a birthday only two days before Christmas I would want to just disappear rather than spend it with family. And yet, each year I go back. Maybe I hope something will be different. I don’t know. I do know that there are times I feel I suffer through it and other times when I’m just there. Guess it’s just another part of this life.
I have found, especially over the last few years, that my family relationships have severely played into my personal life. I’ve not always made the best decisions, but not placing blame. Just realizing why I might do some of the things I do. No one likes to have their flaws pointed out, but as much as you hate to really look in the mirror at them and deny they exist, it is good to have someone who will be completely honest and tell you about them to help you. This may sound absolutely crazy to most, but I am thankful to my ex-husband for pointing it out in detail so I could see the traits myself when I took that long personal look in the mirror. I don’t like some of the things I see, but as another friend told me, personality traits are the hardest to change. Doesn’t really make me feel any better about it, but it does make me strive to better other things when I can.
It also now makes me realize much faster when I’m doing things for selfish reasons. I am aware (not completely, but quite for now) of who I am, what I’m capable of and the things I want. As previously mentioned, most people don’t agree with me on many of my view points but I try to live in the world for what it is now and what it could be. I see things I could do or even times am doing and I wouldn’t say I feel guilty for them, because I don’t think guilt is the right word, but I do think that at times, there are things I shouldn’t be doing. Picture the drug addict that full well knows they shouldn’t be shooting up because they know they don’t want anyone to know their dark little secret and yet they do it anyway, partly because of the addiction and also because they are too weak to turn down the happiness they believe they feel when they are high. That’s kinda what it’s like.
It is true that if you are told something time and again you begin to believe it is true. Only thing that they don’t tell you is that you can be told multiple things and end up believing a wealth of them. Welcome to my rabbit hole. I feel almost as if, over my 30+ years, that I’ve actually been a number of people on the outside with a core person who’s hiding in some deep dark corner inside me. Maybe it’s the reason why when things seem like they’ve gotten past the breaking point, I feel the need to hide myself away or as I tend to call it more recently, falling off the radar. It’s kind of a time for me to center myself, pull everything back a bit and re-evaluate. It also gives me time to reflect on the world around me and see what possible changes I can make.
The changes are all well and good in theory, however I am anything but a creature of habit. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t say I don’t have habits, I just don’t do routine well. I can guarantee to you that there has never been 5 straight days in my life that have been 85% the same. It’s always different. Same job, yeah, probably, but how I get there, what time I get there, how much I do when I get there, etc. etc. etc. Every single day is different. This also makes it hard for things like eating habits, new years resolutions, and yes, relationships. I’m certain it was one of the cracks in my failed marriage, but, you live and learn, right?
That brings me back to this whole questionable situation I am in. In all honesty, there are times like right now, while I’m writing, when I truly like being alone, but I am only human. I also enjoy companionship of others. Sometimes friends, sometimes male companions for sincerely innocent things like watching TV, movies, getting food, having a couple drinks and just innocent affection and personal touch. Then I also enjoy the company of a lover, more commonly known in my vocabulary as my bennie. Don’t mistake this term or believe it is something that I use loosely. I consider my bennies (as in past and current, not more than any one at any given time) to be some of my closest friends. We seem to have a bond strong enough that we can cut through the bullshit and just talk to one another without feeling like what we might say is going to hurt the other. We can share our issues and secrets and know that things stay between us. We trust each other. If I didn’t trust any one of them, they would not be called a bennie.
So then, one of the problems I deal with is the fact that too few people understand that my bennies mean a lot to me, more as friends than anything else. Yes, it is about scratching an itch, but that is not it. I’ve admitted in all honesty that I’m not great at relationships, so in a way I avoid them. I don’t want a relationship, nor do I have relationship “feelings” for my bennies. The situation is what it is and it is also a reason why I have the ones I do as well, because they don’t have relationship “feelings” either. It would not work if there were anything more than friendship bonds involved.
At one time, my current bennie was leaving town for a few months for his job. I made the joke that I would have to find a replacement. This comment was never meant to be literal. As I said, I have to trust this person. I’d like to think I trust them enough that I trust them with my life in a sense. Well, this joke turned into chaos. One after another came to me and expressed his want to fill the “vacant position”. I told them all there was an application process. (I mean, c’mon, really?! You couldn’t think I was serious about this with a response like that, could you?) About a month went by and I had loosely counted about 50 guys who contacted me and wanted to “submit an application”. While in a way, I was kind of flattered, I was quite overwhelmed. I don’t want to deal with a bunch of nothing more than sex-crazed men, which many of them were. Some of them thought they wanted more from me, but these men hardly even knew me and I knew from the amount I knew about them that it wasn’t worth the bother. Bottom line was, I wasn’t looking for a relationship and I wasn’t looking for any random hook-ups either.
I’m not a bad person. I don’t sleep around. I deeply care for my friends and the true ones know I would go to hell and back for them. However, I would like to reach a point where maybe, someday, I meet a guy that understands the things I want. The things I need. Is able to separate the two, without judgement. I have yet to really find one single man who fits that bill and am fairly sure I never will. So, now, I bide my time and enjoy the little things, like laying on the couch beside someone and watching shows, or having wine with dear friends while laughing, crying and reminiscing about life, or even relishing in those moments when someone knows all the right triggers, isn’t afraid to push the limits and can take pleasure in a trusting act as two consenting adults. But that’s just too much to ask or wish for isn’t it?