Well, my dear reader, it has been some time since I’ve written again and I’m beginning to think that my recent bout of insomnia is being brought on by karma as she wants me to write more. (For those of you who do not believe in karma, don’t be discouraged. I don’t judge. I think everyone deserves the right to have an opinion, and more importantly, to have an outlet to share that opinion. Do be warned however, that as I respect your right to that opinion, I ask the same respect for mine.)
So, now that we’ve gotten the formalities out of the way, what insights into my crazy life shall I share with you this time? Maybe I aught take a poll one day. There are oh so many stories. In fact, there are many that over time I have forgotten. I may even have to call in a guest blogger or two later this year to recount some of the stories that have slipped my memory.
There never really seems to be a good place to start. It seems that life rather goes in groups of circles. People come and go, but someone I met in college said something to me that has always kind of stayed with me. He said “the good ones always come back.” I like to believe it’s true.
I’ve moved a lot since my college days. I’m happy to say that I still stay in touch with a great many of the people I’ve met over the years. Suffice it to say, not everyone has stuck around. Some by their choice, some by mine, and some who have just been lost in the fold.
I came across a picture in a local coupon magazine last week that spotlighted the weight loss achievement of a guy from my area. Just so happens that I went to school with him quite a few years ago (more like kindergarten). I have him as a “friend” on Facebook, but we’ve not really talked. After seeing his picture and achievement I sent him a message to congratulate him. We shared a few messages for a bit and he explained to me how he had managed to lose the 40+ pounds. Knowing that I currently would not mind losing about 30+ pounds myself, I was grateful for the information he gave me. I hadn’t talked to Nate in probably 20+ years, but the good ones always come back.
I guess I feel things can all be put into some manor of perspective. Having been married and divorced, I see relationships especially in a different light. Maybe that’s even too specific. I see people differently and by letting them be who they are and seeing them the way they want to be, I seem to get a better understanding of their viewpoint in the world.
Picture, if you will, a young kid who just walked into a candy store with all its bright colors and a great many items that he is just waiting to dig into and enjoy. His eyes are open wide and there’s a smile across his face as he looks all over the store, taking it all in. That’s the way I view my world. Yes, you read that right. MY world. Everyone views things differently. It’s a fact of life. I don’t expect anyone to see the world through my eyes, but I do encourage them to look at their world through their own eyes and see it for all it is or can be.
I come across so many people who are wearing blinders in life and it’s so frustrating when they can’t see all the joy and happiness out in the world. They only see what concerns them or how things could be worse. Yes, I’ve had bad times. You can’t see the sunshine all the time, but knowing that it’s still there still counts for something.
I also think that by viewing the world in such a way, it has given me a different outlook at what kind of a perception I put out to others as well. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to change to make someone else happy. It doesn’t work that way. I have to stay true to myself. Yes, there are some things I don’t like about myself, but, over time you learn to accept the good with the bad, and if you’re able, you make changes because you want to better yourself.
(By the way, I do find it quite funny that Jet’s “Cold Hard Bitch” is playing on my Pandora station as I write this next bit.)
For quite some time now there have been many perceptions of me. Probably the one I hear of the most and bears the most truth is that I’m a bitch. I don’t deny it, but, alas, for as aggressive, persistent, straight-to-the-point and bluntly honest as I can be, the people who truly know me – who have taken off the blinder and spent the 90 seconds to try and know me – they realize I can be one of their greatest friends and allies. I won’t lie though. I am NOT a person you want to cross, but I digress.
For the hard-shelled, mouthy bitch that I can be (especially when I’m drinking tequila and whiskey – watch out!), my closest friends know how strong my emotions are. I will tell you a little secret, my dear reader. I am not one who likes to be vulnerable, much less show emotions in public. Hell, there are many times I don’t really show emotions outside my own home. Why you might ask? Well, truly I think you are smart enough to figure it out on your own, but I shall tell you.
Being vulnerable to me feels like being weak. I’m sure some psychologist would determine this comes from past events in my life (and yes, Kristopher, I am fully aware that you will bring this up in our next conversation). If anything, I have come to be known as someone who is quite honest. That being said, yes there were events in my past that led me to believe I couldn’t show weakness.
I don’t wallow in my past. I don’t pity myself. There is so much more out there for me to do and accomplish. I was, however, one of the kids growing up that was picked on, a lot. I had very few friends and the ones I did have I learned over the years were not really friends. Grade school came and went (Catholic grade school nonetheless). High school was a little better, but I started standing up for myself. It wasn’t a lot and it definitely wasn’t enough.
I lost my virginity in high school. I wasn’t ready to, but it happened and for many, many years after that incident, that moment when someone wanted to have sex with me, I felt I didn’t have a choice, so I gave in. I’m not saying I slept with a lot of guys, but, had I not felt vulnerable in that situation, I’m sure there would have been a few less.
Vulnerability feeling like a weakness is a hard thing to overcome. I’ve still not mastered it. During my first summer in college, I didn’t have a place to live. My parents home was out of the question (to be discussed in another blog some day), and I didn’t really have any friends who could afford supporting me for any given time. I had a job, but it definitely did not pay well enough for me to live somewhere on my own.
Well, during that summer there were a few people – or more specifically guys – who I met. They showed interest in me and allowed me to crash at their homes. Unfortunately, being young, naïve and vulnerable, when these guys tried to sleep with me, I felt obligated to do so. I’m not proud of the things I did (wow, that sounds so much worse than it’s intended too!), but I learned from them. I now know how cruel and abusive people can be when they take advantage of someone’s weakness.
So, I’m sure now, having read that last bit, you are thinking about one of a few things of me my dearest reader. Well, I respect your right to do so. Just remember, one piece of a puzzle tends not to give you the whole picture. There are many layers to every person. Seeing beyond one or two of them requires you to open your eyes and take it all in. You can’t see the beauty of the flowers on the side of the path if you don’t take off your blinders. There’s so much to see!
Now that I’m a bit older and, I like to think, a bit wiser, I am standing on my own two feet. I have a few supports to catch me when I falter, but true friends are happy to be your support system (especially when you return the favor!). My true friends tend to be the ones now who see my vulnerabilities. They understand sometimes you need to let go. They also know when to tell me to suck it up and get on with my life. (Thanks Kevin!) I am so eternally grateful for my dear friends and they are a big part of what allows me to wake up each day and see the world with the big bright eyes, smile and excitement of a new day, just like the kid in the candy store. I wish you that same happiness dear reader.