Tag Archives: relationships

A Life Like the Movies…..(I think I just puked in my mouth a little)

So, sometimes it takes watching someone else go through the same circumstances to make you realize where things seem to stand. In some ways it may seem to be a good realization and in other, it’s that other view in the mirror that no one likes to see in themselves. For me, right now, that ugly truth is that I’m at a moment in life where I’m feeling quite needy, and I hate being needy.

I’ve become quite accustomed to living on my own, taking care of myself (and my dog) and I don’t necessarily like to straight out ask for help. I put out signals, or at least I think I do, but everyone has so many issues of their own, they probably don’t take the time to notice.

This neediness in no way means that I want someone to provide for me or take care of me. I don’t want that at all. What I do want is someone who is there for me because they want to be. Not because they need my help, my understanding, my compassion. I can’t do it all. I need somebody too. I’m not strong enough to support us all.

Tonight I watched the movie Friends with Benefits. I wish someone would have told me not to. Had I known so many of the same scenarios were going to come up…well, let’s just say, the woman in the movie wanted her life to be like the life she was watching in the movies, and now that this movie was made, my life IS like the movies. So many similarities to things that I’ve been involved in lately, it almost made me want to puke. (Or maybe that’s this headache. Hard to be sure.) Either way, for us it was supposed to be just a couple of good friends who satisfied an urge from time to time. I don’t know when it seemed like it became more. I try to keep my distance, but this overwhelming feeling of being wanted takes over.

He does things that my other guys friends just don’t do, but yet other times he’s just an asshole. It’s like Jeckyl and Hyde. I don’t know which side to believe. I know it’s not right, yet continue on the same path anyway. The part that scares me a bit is that I’m not sure that it couldn’t be just anyone, as long as they were paying attention to me.

So, what do I want? Affection. Not over the top, not obsessive, but I want to know someone is thinking about me during the day, that I’m not alone. I want a hug once in a while, or even a kiss, someone to hold me so I know I’m still alive and haven’t just slipped into nothingness. I want someone to want to surprise me by showing up unexpectedly and making me dinner, maybe even staying to watch a movie on the couch together. I never knew this was so out of line to think it could happen.

I over think things. Constantly. But, I can’t stop. I don’t understand why someone who claims they don’t want a relationship (with me) is doing all sorts of things that someone in a relationship would do. He’s even gone so far as to keep my spare set of keys without being able to give some real reason behind why he doesn’t give them back. (We’re not talking in a stalkerish way here people.) He’s had plenty of opportunities to give them back even though he lives nearly 2 hours away, so his excuse that someone would have them if I lock myself out is completely invalid, especially since it is utterly impossible to lock myself out. But I digress.

I just want to understand. I don’t want to feel alone. I want true, genuine happiness without the worry in the background that there’s something wrong with me and that I need to fix everyone else. Apparently, that’s all too much to ask for all at once.


Defining it for what it is…

It has been a very interesting week and it’s not even over yet. Things started to get a bit crazy on Sunday already, but it’s only one day. It can be overlooked, right? Well, I hope so anyway.

You know, dearest reader, that I’ve vowed to be honest with you and well, here’s a bit of proof. How embarrassing to be found naked on the floor in the hallway hanging your head over a bathroom wastebasket by a guy who you, well, who’s house you just kinda happened to have to spend the night at because you got drunk too easily (unintentionally) and your nerves got the better of you? Mortifying, right? Complete FML moment? Yeah, that happened. I’d take it back if I could, but alas, live and learn.

Now, I know you’re questioning who this guy was, and not to worry, it wasn’t a random. It’s a guy I’ve known for quite some time, but things between us have been a bit tumultuous as of late. Hence the nerves affecting me the way they did. I have told you how much I dislike being vulnerable and there is nothing worse than that which I was captive to on a Sunday night.

Anyway, enough about the bad. It’s not good to dwell. So, a few days later I decide the nerves are taking over and I don’t like it. That meant it was time for a phone call.  I was not looking forward to it, but I knew there were things I had to say. He took it well and surprisingly, from a person who doesn’t talk about how he feels, he said a lot. Maybe he had said a lot before, but I just wasn’t listening. I’m not sure. (Or I might have been drunk. It happens.)

In a short conversation a lot was said and reflecting on it today, I realized just how much of what I had to say really stands true for anyone in my life now. I feel like I’ve reached a checkpoint in my life and I hope to not go back. I’m not going to credit this guy with this revelation I’ve come to but I do hope he understands how much it really means to me.

I’ve made some REALLY great friends lately and I can’t say enough about the honesty they have with me. I respect them so much more to have the faith in our friendship that they can talk to me, tell me something I won’t like and have the knowledge that I value them as a friend so much that I will work things out with them even if I am wrong. I don’t take kindly to little white lies that are told just so my feelings aren’t hurt. Those are the people I can’t trust. Stop being so damn overly friendly. You’re not helping anyone by doing it. Life has many hard lessons to learn. The band-aid maneuver is still the best policy in my opinion.

So, I expressed my position to this guy and he expressed his. I had to question if we were both on the same page after that due to the recent events. My understanding was that he was throwing his hat in the ring to take up residency as my current bennie. Now, I should mention I have known this guy for years and for some time felt something for him which, my secret little voyeuristic reader, you know to be unacceptable in my bennie relationships. So, I am in a bit of uncharted territory here. I don’t know how this will go, but I do think that there is much more that is yet to be determined in this little adventure.

I have become very accustomed to the way my previous bennies treat me, talk to me and quite honestly, the way they please me. They are very attentive to the things I like. They learned them over time as I learned the things they enjoyed. (Take those statements as you will. Doesn’t matter really as either way they are true.) I’m not sure how I feel about essentially training a new bennie and quite honestly, I’m not sure he will meet the requirements of being someone I would entrust my life to. I didn’t feel that strongly about my ex-husband when we were married if that gives you any indication as to how much of a bond there is.

Being honest is a major first step as well as a friendship, but another requirement is the knowledge that a society defined normal relationship would never work for us. Let me explain that as I’m sure it can be a little confusing at first. I mean, why would someone be with another if there isn’t something there right?

Well, that’s what we are all led to believe. I don’t see it that way. Take for instance my first bennie. He is the type of guy who gets bored easily in relationships. He seeks out someone new when he gets bored, even if he is still with someone. I know we would get bored if we were domesticated, so it would never work. My second bennie is a hermit. (I know you’re really wondering about me now.) He has a job, but in the winter he is off so he stays shut in most of the time. I may not hear anything from him for three months. His phone will be shut off and one day I’ll have a voice mail from him to let me know he’s good and what his new phone number is. He has also only eaten in my presence once that I can remember, in nearly four years. These traits are also not ones I could find working in a “normal” relationship for me.

So then, I’m now at that point where this guy wants to be my newest bennie. I used to think I wanted something more with him, but having actually listened to the things he was saying to me about his opinions and the way he sees the world (not to mention knowing how stubborn he can be), I’m pretty certain an actual relationship is not suited for the two of us. That doesn’t mean we can’t still be great friends and help each other with some needs from time to time.

This actually also had me thinking though. My two previous bennies and my stand-in bennie all understand that sometimes it has nothing to do with sex. Sometimes you just want company. You want that friend you can watch a scary movie with and grab hold of each other when you’re freaked out. Or relax together and just talk about your day. I find it to be greatly relaxing for me to sit on the couch with my bennie, watching TV with his legs draped across my lap. I will sit and massage them for hours and not even realize time has gone by. (These are the reasons my bennies say I’m good to them. I won’t call them magic hands, but they might.) I am a giver and they know it. The difference between them and other guys is though, that they won’t take advantage of it. I won’t lie, they are good to me in other ways (like making me dinner or giving me a massage) but it’s all just because we know how we want to be treated and that’s how we are with each other. I really just hope newbie bennie understands.

Not so good news after all…

Nothing hurts more than watching someone close to you subject themselves to a time bomb just waiting to explode. For all those who have stood by while someone’s relationship fell to pieces, you should have some understanding of where I’m coming from.

I will never claim to understand people or relationships. Honestly, I don’t think I want to, but I do wish that we were not wired to take the abuse until something inside us snaps and we finally decide for ourselves to walk away.

I know too many damaged people. If you are one of the damaged, please take no offense. I will explain what I mean. When someone is in an abusive relationship they see themselves in a different light. Not everyone is the same, however when the same people see a similar situation with someone else, they know it is wrong. Where I imply the term “damaged” is that this person can see this in others but refuses or denies that the same thing is happening to them. They believe they are happy or that things will change. (I should mention here that it is not only women, but also some men I know who I would also consider damaged.)

Having been in a bad relationship in my past, it seems easier for me to see when things turn sour for others now. I thankfully haven’t been in a bad relationship since, but over the years have met many others who had similar fates. Recently, I had a friend who three of us knew was in a bad situation. His girlfriend was into a lot of things and she used my friend for nearly a year, having him pay her rent, buy her a vehicle, pay for her entertainment, etc. When she didn’t get her way, there were times she would hit him, and we aren’t talking a little girly punch. There was one night he had to leave his own home because she continued to come after him. Another good friend of ours went to pick him up. Shortly after this was when she started cheating on him.

When he finally saw the light and ended things, it took him a few weeks to get back on track. He felt as though a lot of what had happened was his fault, that he never should have let it go as far as it did. She had beaten him down so far that he questioned everything in his life. I hope that he never has to deal with it again.

Unfortunately, in a way he does. That mutual good friend of ours who went to pick him up that night, he’s now seeing her. This is breaking news to me. This mutual friend is the same friend who I eluded to in my previous post about the friend I felt I was losing due to a new relationship. I now understand why he was hesitant to tell me who she was. He told me tonight and you know I won’t lie to you, dear reader, I was crushed. I don’t know how one can watch someone abuse a good friend and then start dating that person as if the past occurrences were a fluke. I have told my friend that I won’t abandon him but that it is in both our best interests not to mention her again. I can’t bear to think about how things are going to change for him over the next few months, if it goes that far. I honestly fear for him and what she will do to him.

I know there is nothing I can say or do to make him leave her, nor would I be that person who tries to tell my friends how to live their lives. There never is anything that can be said or done in those situations. It is a decision they must make on their own and those on the outside looking in just hope it happens before the real damage sets in.

The bearing of good news…or is it?

There were some events that happened today that made me further realize a viewpoint I’ve grown accustomed to. Over the years I’ve had many people come and go in my life. I hope that when these people come in, that they realize how great of a friend I am capable of being.

As I look back on the reasons people have left, there aren’t really too many to list. The one that jumps out at me that I just don’t understand happens time and again. In fact, I have the feeling, dear reader, that it is happening yet again as I write this.

Many of my friends, good, true friends, know I am there whenever they need me. I don’t ask questions, I am just there to support them for whatever reason they may need. Maybe it’s due to this fact that it doesn’t seem to bother them when suddenly they seem to write me off. It’s never due to something I’ve done to them, but rather seems to happen when one of them starts a relationship with someone new. Today marks the third time in the past year that one of these friends has chosen to go their own way.

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them, as long as they are happy, but at some point it does sting a little to be cast off to the darkness and practically forgotten. I thought relationships were supposed to be something that you wanted to share? You meet someone new and you want everyone to get along so you don’t have to compromise for your new someone or your friends.

Seems lately that many of my friends have been choosing the new someone. I don’t like the feeling I get today upon just hearing that a friend has just started seeing someone I know, but won’t tell me who. Maybe it’s because he knows I’ll be honest with him and give him the facts I know if I feel that he could be hurt in the situation.  (Mind you, I tell any of my friends that it is still their decision over anything, but I do believe it is always good to have the facts.  You wouldn’t let a child molester babysit your kids, right?) Either way, the darkness is already coming. They always swear they won’t become strangers, but every time they stop calling, stop texting and if you actually see them or get to spend a fleeting moment with them, it’s in passing and never planned.

One of my friends got out of a bad relationship (finally) and was in a situation where he just needed a friend. Someone he could trust. I was happy to be there for him. When he started seeing someone he had liked for years and things were going well, he told me it wouldn’t be like last time when his previous girlfriend wouldn’t allow him to talk to or see his friends. Well, I haven’t heard from him in well over a month or more now again. I really hoped this time was going to be different.

My friends always tell me they know I’m there when they need me, and they always come back when things don’t work with whoever they were seeing, but why the write off? And why do they feel that they can’t talk to me? I guess I just don’t understand. I am not a jealous person. When I was married, my husband at the time started talking with his pregnant, single, ex-fiancee. It was behind my back at first, but I’m not stupid. When I called him out on it and he admitted who it was, I told him that I wasn’t going to tell him who he could and couldn’t talk to. I told him it was his decision to determine who he kept as friends. I didn’t have to get along with all of them. I did however, tell him that if she was under the impression that she was going to start a family with my husband, she had best think that over again. After this he did start to have his phone conversations with her in front of me, but I did find out later, around the time of our separation, that he had lied to me and gone to visit her when he told me previously he hadn’t.

So, maybe my viewpoint is skewed. Maybe it’s more normal for people to just write off their friends when they get into a relationship. It’s just not me though. If I’m going to date someone, he is going to meet my friends. He doesn’t have to like them, but he has to understand that these are my friends and I greatly value them in my life. No man is going to tell me that I can’t associate with the people I care about.

I wish so many others would also not be afraid to be honest with themselves and others. I think people may be happier with themselves if they did so. But, until then, I guess, again, I just wait for the good ones as they always come back.

(Good luck N. I hope things work out for you, but if you’re not willing to tell a good friend who she is, I’m sorry to say I don’t see it going too far. Just know that I’ll be here to pick up the pieces if you need me, even if you tuck me away in the dark corner til then.)

And happy birthday to you…

Ah, birthdays. Good? Bad? Evil? Not really sure yet. Still too early to tell for this year. I will say I haven’t had many, if any, that have been terribly memorable. (Part of that may be that I feel like I have early onset Alzheimer’s, but I’m sure it’s more likely my last 15+ years in the bar.) The agenda for this year really isn’t too far different. I’ll meet up with fellow birthday buddies for some beverages. I had my birthday dinner last night and I get the few texts and Facebook birthday wishes. Eh…I like them, but I almost feel like it’s gotten to a point where nothing is personal anymore. It all just kind of happens, then it’s over and onto something else.

Maybe I expect too much. Not just for my birthday, but in general. I could be greedy. Na- I probably am greedy. Don’t know for certain though, because I’ve never really been to a point where I wasn’t doing the things I did just to get by rather than having the time when everything else maintained on its own and I could just do, just be. There are things I want in my life and some of them I’ve had a taste of. Many I’m still searching for. Have to say some make me feel like Ponce de Leon. I thoroughly enjoyed my time in New York City even if it was cut short and I also liked some aspects of the time I spent living on the southwest coast. Can’t say I would have moved west had I known how that would turn out, but que sera.

Some things in my life have been easier than others, and some things have been a down right bitch to deal with. One of those things is my family. Yes, I have one, however, beyond that, I wouldn’t say we are close. There is no real sign of affection, but there is a definite lamentation handed out on a regular basis. Nothing like questioning yourself when you have at least one parent who will consistently tell you how little you’re worth and why the world revolves around them. Yet, to come as far as I have feels like something of an accomplishment for me. I haven’t taken the easy road, but, to be fully honest, I’ve not taken the hardest one either.

So, then you can imagine how it is that with a birthday only two days before Christmas I would want to just disappear rather than spend it with family. And yet, each year I go back. Maybe I hope something will be different. I don’t know. I do know that there are times I feel I suffer through it and other times when I’m just there. Guess it’s just another part of this life.

I have found, especially over the last few years, that my family relationships have severely played into my personal life. I’ve not always made the best decisions, but not placing blame. Just realizing why I might do some of the things I do. No one likes to have their flaws pointed out, but as much as you hate to really look in the mirror at them and deny they exist, it is good to have someone who will be completely honest and tell you about them to help you. This may sound absolutely crazy to most, but I am thankful to my ex-husband for pointing it out in detail so I could see the traits myself when I took that long personal look in the mirror. I don’t like some of the things I see, but as another friend told me, personality traits are the hardest to change. Doesn’t really make me feel any better about it, but it does make me strive to better other things when I can.

It also now makes me realize much faster when I’m doing things for selfish reasons. I am aware (not completely, but quite for now) of who I am, what I’m capable of and the things I want. As previously mentioned, most people don’t agree with me on many of my view points but I try to live in the world for what it is now and what it could be. I see things I could do or even times am doing and I wouldn’t say I feel guilty for them, because I don’t think guilt is the right word, but I do think that at times, there are things I shouldn’t be doing. Picture the drug addict that full well knows they shouldn’t be shooting up because they know they don’t want anyone to know their dark little secret and yet they do it anyway, partly because of the addiction and also because they are too weak to turn down the happiness they believe they feel when they are high. That’s kinda what it’s like.

It is true that if you are told something time and again you begin to believe it is true. Only thing that they don’t tell you is that you can be told multiple things and end up believing a wealth of them. Welcome to my rabbit hole. I feel almost as if, over my 30+ years, that I’ve actually been a number of people on the outside with a core person who’s hiding in some deep dark corner inside me. Maybe it’s the reason why when things seem like they’ve gotten past the breaking point, I feel the need to hide myself away or as I tend to call it more recently, falling off the radar. It’s kind of a time for me to center myself, pull everything back a bit and re-evaluate. It also gives me time to reflect on the world around me and see what possible changes I can make.

The changes are all well and good in theory, however I am anything but a creature of habit. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t say I don’t have habits, I just don’t do routine well. I can guarantee to you that there has never been 5 straight days in my life that have been 85% the same. It’s always different. Same job, yeah, probably, but how I get there, what time I get there, how much I do when I get there, etc. etc. etc. Every single day is different. This also makes it hard for things like eating habits, new years resolutions, and yes, relationships. I’m certain it was one of the cracks in my failed marriage, but, you live and learn, right?

That brings me back to this whole questionable situation I am in. In all honesty, there are times like right now, while I’m writing, when I truly like being alone, but I am only human. I also enjoy companionship of others. Sometimes friends, sometimes male companions for sincerely innocent things like watching TV, movies, getting food, having a couple drinks and just innocent affection and personal touch. Then I also enjoy the company of a lover, more commonly known in my vocabulary as my bennie. Don’t mistake this term or believe it is something that I use loosely. I consider my bennies (as in past and current, not more than any one at any given time) to be some of my closest friends. We seem to have a bond strong enough that we can cut through the bullshit and just talk to one another without feeling like what we might say is going to hurt the other. We can share our issues and secrets and know that things stay between us. We trust each other. If I didn’t trust any one of them, they would not be called a bennie.

So then, one of the problems I deal with is the fact that too few people understand that my bennies mean a lot to me, more as friends than anything else. Yes, it is about scratching an itch, but that is not it. I’ve admitted in all honesty that I’m not great at relationships, so in a way I avoid them. I don’t want a relationship, nor do I have relationship “feelings” for my bennies. The situation is what it is and it is also a reason why I have the ones I do as well, because they don’t have relationship “feelings” either. It would not work if there were anything more than friendship bonds involved.

At one time, my current bennie was leaving town for a few months for his job. I made the joke that I would have to find a replacement. This comment was never meant to be literal. As I said, I have to trust this person. I’d like to think I trust them enough that I trust them with my life in a sense. Well, this joke turned into chaos. One after another came to me and expressed his want to fill the “vacant position”. I told them all there was an application process. (I mean, c’mon, really?! You couldn’t think I was serious about this with a response like that, could you?) About a month went by and I had loosely counted about 50 guys who contacted me and wanted to “submit an application”. While in a way, I was kind of flattered, I was quite overwhelmed. I don’t want to deal with a bunch of nothing more than sex-crazed men, which many of them were. Some of them thought they wanted more from me, but these men hardly even knew me and I knew from the amount I knew about them that it wasn’t worth the bother. Bottom line was, I wasn’t looking for a relationship and I wasn’t looking for any random hook-ups either.

I’m not a bad person. I don’t sleep around. I deeply care for my friends and the true ones know I would go to hell and back for them. However, I would like to reach a point where maybe, someday, I meet a guy that understands the things I want. The things I need. Is able to separate the two, without judgement. I have yet to really find one single man who fits that bill and am fairly sure I never will. So, now, I bide my time and enjoy the little things, like laying on the couch beside someone and watching shows, or having wine with dear friends while laughing, crying and reminiscing about life, or even relishing in those moments when someone knows all the right triggers, isn’t afraid to push the limits and can take pleasure in a trusting act as two consenting adults. But that’s just too much to ask or wish for isn’t it?