Tag Archives: selfish

You want company? Have you tried Craigslist?

It can be utterly amazing that someone who is so down on themselves can so easily turn on the people who try to help them. If only people would learn to open their eyes and see what’s in front of them. I want the company of someone who can understand that it’s not always about them. Maybe I’m stepping too far, but I’ve learned I need to watch out for myself and not fix the world. Unfortunately, sometimes I’m the one that needs fixing and the outlets just aren’t where I’d like them to be.

I want so badly to just go away. To get in my car and drive, without destination. Just to get away from here. Here hasn’t been what I’d like it to be in longer than I can remember. But, at the same time, where ever I have gone hasn’t been it either. I always seem to come back to the start. Maybe it’s Karma telling me the one issue I need to deal with. Unfortunately, that ONE person will never change. That relationship will never change. And it still affects me. I hate that it does.

I’ve picked up and moved away so many times. Thinking a fresh, new start, new people, THIS time, it will be different. It’s not. The same types of people, the same situations. If it’s not them, it must be me, but breaking free of the codependency is no easy task. I look in the mirror and most days am not pleased with what’s staring back at me. I wonder what people see in me. I know I’m accomplished. Doesn’t mean I feel accomplished.

Just once it would be nice to have something move forward without taking what feels like a huge chunk out of myself. It took 5 years to open up and talk to me and seconds to shut that door back in my face making me feel worthless and only there for his use. Apparently the feelings of others are something that shouldn’t be acknowledged. Guess I should know that considering where I grew up and the way I’ve been treated all my life.

Tomorrow will be a new day, I’m sure, but that doesn’t mean that I can just turn a blind eye to the hurt that is so easily caused. I’m doubtful I’ll break free of this looping coaster anytime soon. Might be nice if I wasn’t riding alone.


You must be this tall to ride this ride…

Well, I have to say I find it rather funny at this point that I decided to use the words roller coaster in the title of my blog. Originally, I thought it worked well to describe the ups and downs in my life. Now I’m also realizing that in some instances, it also is a great analogy for some of my interactions with people.

Great example…the guy who I was pondering over for the past month. He comes out of the woodwork and back into my life [enter theme park]. We talk a bit and decide we’d like to get dinner [make sure your harness is fastened securely]. We continue to talk [the car is being pulled up to the top]. We hang out at his place, he gets me drunk and we wind up having sex [breach the top of the ride]. Then I’m naked and puking in his hallway [first downfall]. We talk [up second climb] and my emotions get the better of me [corkscrew]. Finally, I apparently have a friend who cares for me enough to tell this guy that he can’t play both sides of the fence with me [final climb] and guy sends me a message that he doesn’t appreciate my friends messaging him those things and he again has to be the prick telling me that even a friendship won’t work between us [and…all the way back down and to a complete stop where I now exit the ride]. Thrilling wasn’t it?

In such a short period of time, so many things happened. They come and go in and out of my life as if I’m just some pawn in their end game. What they don’t realize is that I’m no pawn. I’m the Queen and I could give them so much, but they are too blinded to look at the bigger picture and see what I truly have to offer them.

I may not have a lot of money, and, yes, there are some things I do for myself (everyone should be a little selfish once in a while), but I live my life for those around me. By doing so, I don’t need to be as selfish, because they are there to support me when I can’t do it alone. I will never leave my friends out in a storm and over the years I’ve found the ones who will bring me in when the rains come.

This last month drew out emotions in me yet again which are foreign to me. Okay, maybe not so much foreign, but maybe closer to enemy territory. I’ve told you how I don’t like to be vulnerable. Well this guy makes me vulnerable, and he doesn’t see it. Granted, I do hide my emotions fairly well, but it was pretty blatantly obvious when it was starting to affect me physically.

Anyway, I digress. From a person who told me he wanted to be selfish for a while, and was sick of being taken advantage of because previous women would take everything he kept giving, it’s ironic to me that he should not see when someone is straight up offering him what he wants. To top it off, he then says that it’s my fault that he needs to write me off again. I wish he weren’t so blind as to see that I respect all his wishes because he asks me to, not because I want to or am doing so because I’m mad at him. I don’t think he will ever truly understand me for who I am, and quite honestly, that’s sad because everything he said and described to me were things I could have given him if he would have only opened his eyes and paid a little more attention to the things I said and did. I told him he wouldn’t have to read my mind, but apparently he didn’t believe I was telling the truth.

So, once again, I’m sorry if you feel like I hurt you, but, what do I have to do….to forget about you?