Another Brick in the Wall

You never quite know when that last brick is going to make the wall you strike so big that you become overwhelmed. You add one here, one more on the other end, one in the middle and suddenly, without even realizing, you find yourself exhausted. I believe I’ve hit my wall.

I tend to do things full force. I’m not one to let life idly pass me by. Unfortunately, that means that I like to stay busy and keep my hands on a lot of things all at once. Most people who find out how much I take on are amazed that I am able to handle so many things at once. I must say, it was easier when it was just myself that I was worrying about. Somewhere along that road, I picked up what feels like the responsibilities of a team of others.

One of the symptoms of codependency is controlling. When you control a situation, you don’t have to worry about it. You know that anything that happens is accountable to you and that means you do things right. Well, as I’m learning, it’s utterly impossible to control every situation and releasing that control is NOT an easy thing. Having others to delegate things to is great, provided those things get done, however when they don’t, it falls back to you and it seems a lot has been falling back to me.

The stress is beginning to take its toll on me as well, mentally and physically. Too many things on my mind have been making me second guess some of the things I tell myself are fine. I’ve learned that there are times when you must ask for help even when you don’t want to and there are other times when it’s best to just leave things alone. This past week has been extremely stressful with many things all falling on me at once.

It’s hard for me to tell people they will have to just wait and its proof of that considering I was still working when the doctors told me not to. Even through excruciating pain, I was returning emails and phone messages as if nothing was wrong. Between naps and medications, some things just had to be pushed off. Unfortunately, the feelings of not getting things done doesn’t push off as easily. And not being able to share those thoughts with friends in some cases, well, that will take its toll on you as well.

Not only was I taking on too much through work and activities, but I’d overextended my emotional boundaries as well. As you may already realize, I live a very independent life. I do things when I want and how I want without many to answer to. This at times can become a quandary that presents some difficulties. One of these is the ability to make friends without further side complications.

It’s great to talk with someone you feel comfortable around, who understands situations you have been in, and who experiences some of the same vulnerabilities you do. Unfortunately, sometimes these friendships come at a cost. When it is so easy to talk to someone, there are times when people become blinded by what’s in front of them. They see what could be rather than what is or what has to be. A friend described it best. When someone sees something in life they wish they could obtain, that something is shiny to them, be it an object, a title, an accomplishment, or even another person. This “shininess” has the ability to send someone on the wrong path and needlessly can build the ego of the person who sees the “shine”. Unfortunately, when the shine wears off, the pedestal the person has climbed, crumbles and falls. Even when warned of impending danger, the shine overtakes them and they tend to proceed anyway.

This “shininess” has caused the downfall of many of my friendships and relationships. I would even go as far as to say it was one of the reasons for my failed marriage. I’m very upfront with people. I speak my mind and I don’t apologize for the things I say (so long as they are not offensive, or incorrect). Being able to freely speak about a variety of topics is not a trait for many I’ve learned. The misconceptions made by those who are uncomfortable about the topics of choice can be very hurtful and at times ruin lives. I don’t like to see others hurt and I surely do not wish to see myself come to harm, however I also strongly disagree with the views of a great many people about a great many things.

Perhaps people need to take a moment to sit back and look in a mirror. Really think about who they are, what they want out of life and determine what path they are going to choose in how to get to their goal. It’s a work in progress and the paths will change, believe me, but taking the time to think about it and be honest with yourself and your intentions will make a world of difference. My paths are changing and the stress of this past week with its emotional and physical rollercoasters has me deciding to update a few of the goals I have currently. Some things need to be put off. Some bricks need to come down off the wall. Some people need to be reminded that I’m not “shiny” and overall, I need to take care of me, because sometimes you have to be selfish and make the hard choices for others.

So, here’s to running into my wall and somehow, some way, finding a path that goes around it. I’ve been spending too much time and energy trying to go through it for far too long.

What Do I Want?

It’s a question that has been asked many times. The answer? Well, that changes as many times as it’s asked.

Some may ask “who” I want. The answer to that question is almost always “I don’t know.” When it comes to determining how someone else will fit into your crazy, well, there’s a lot to think about. Overthought is typically what happens and I need to remember to step back and question myself, what do I want?

So, it starts off simple. Someone to talk to, who makes me smile. Someone who understands the importance of a short hello message which in the right circumstances can mean the world. I’m not asking for all someone’s attention. In fact, if they are unable to stand on their own two feet and from time to time tell me no, then I’m not interested. That also goes for those who want me to know everything about them and them of me. Intrigue is a must. Keep me guessing. It may not be a game, but if it’s not fun to play, what’s the point?

I’ve had my share of needy men, nay, boys. They take and take until there’s nothing left. At one point I decided I needed to be selfish. Take care of MY needs. I thought this was working to my advantage, and for a time it did, but somewhere down this path, things changed. It became more about him than me and it never was or will be us. So now I reevaluate. What do I want?

I want someone to tell me things will be okay when I’m not able to do that for myself. I want someone who knows how sincere a kiss on the forehead can be. I want someone to be selfless when the times are right. I want to be held and touched to know that I am cared for. These things are missing for me. I’m not requesting after-sex cuddling. I’m not asking for a kiss goodbye upon every encounter, just what feels right. And if it doesn’t feel right, then the rest shouldn’t either.

Maybe that’s been my problem. The rest hasn’t felt right and I haven’t bothered to listen to myself. Though, at the same time, I’m overly cautious of what else is out there. I don’t want just anyone who is willing to show me some affection to get what they are after. I’ve played that game and lost. There are just some things that shouldn’t be relived. However, how do you put yourself out there without some semblance of vulnerability?

You don’t. You can’t go fishing in the ocean and not expect to come across a shark once in a while. There will always be someone who is ready and willing to take you at your worst. Weeding out these bottom feeders is a learning process and for someone with codependency issues, this is no easy feat. I will continue to search and fail, but maybe sometime I might find someone who is willing to ride this rollercoaster with me or better yet, guide me to a different ride entirely. Who knows?

So, THESE are my people…

It took 35 years, hundreds of mistakes and many moves to find my people. So many paths to take, so many options, but in the end, you know who they are. Those people who don’t judge you for your choices. Who respect the mistakes you make and the lessons they leave you to learn for your own good. Never reaching too far, but far enough that you open your eyes to what’s right in front of you. And you will still make mistakes, but they are there to pick you up dust you off and push you right back on your path of life.

Without these people, I don’t know how I’ve gotten as far as I have. I wouldn’t call it a destructive path, but definitely one I wouldn’t recommend to anyone. I’ve seen and done things I would choose to do differently if I were in those situations again. With any luck I won’t be, but through everything, I’ve found a new awareness. I’ve opened my eyes to the world around me and am still learning.

There are SO many different types of people. So many views. So much judgment. Perception is NOT always reality. To you it may seem, but for someone else, it is seen differently. Put yourself in the shoes of those you judge. Find out their story. Don’t place yourself above anyone else.

Feelings are a funny thing and they can lie to you. Something can seem shiny and interesting. That doesn’t always make it good. Pay attention to signs. Don’t succumb to old habits and be aware. These are lessons I’m learning and sharing with you, dearest reader.

One day, I’ll find directions to the feelings store. I will have some returns to make and I may even make a few new purchases, but for now, I’ll settle for knowing that I’m surrounded by some great people and that will be enough for me.

You want company? Have you tried Craigslist?

It can be utterly amazing that someone who is so down on themselves can so easily turn on the people who try to help them. If only people would learn to open their eyes and see what’s in front of them. I want the company of someone who can understand that it’s not always about them. Maybe I’m stepping too far, but I’ve learned I need to watch out for myself and not fix the world. Unfortunately, sometimes I’m the one that needs fixing and the outlets just aren’t where I’d like them to be.

I want so badly to just go away. To get in my car and drive, without destination. Just to get away from here. Here hasn’t been what I’d like it to be in longer than I can remember. But, at the same time, where ever I have gone hasn’t been it either. I always seem to come back to the start. Maybe it’s Karma telling me the one issue I need to deal with. Unfortunately, that ONE person will never change. That relationship will never change. And it still affects me. I hate that it does.

I’ve picked up and moved away so many times. Thinking a fresh, new start, new people, THIS time, it will be different. It’s not. The same types of people, the same situations. If it’s not them, it must be me, but breaking free of the codependency is no easy task. I look in the mirror and most days am not pleased with what’s staring back at me. I wonder what people see in me. I know I’m accomplished. Doesn’t mean I feel accomplished.

Just once it would be nice to have something move forward without taking what feels like a huge chunk out of myself. It took 5 years to open up and talk to me and seconds to shut that door back in my face making me feel worthless and only there for his use. Apparently the feelings of others are something that shouldn’t be acknowledged. Guess I should know that considering where I grew up and the way I’ve been treated all my life.

Tomorrow will be a new day, I’m sure, but that doesn’t mean that I can just turn a blind eye to the hurt that is so easily caused. I’m doubtful I’ll break free of this looping coaster anytime soon. Might be nice if I wasn’t riding alone.

Say Thank You She Said…

Two little words that I struggle with. Even in the simplest situations. It’s not that I’m not grateful, I just don’t think to say it. It’s one of the things I’m becoming aware of on this journey of betterment I’m on.

I’m not sure I’ve ever been accepting of compliments. Sure, there are times I put up my wall and fake it with the best of them, but underneath, I don’t believe the things people tell me. Not because I believe they aren’t being honest, but I don’t see those things in myself. Self-critical one said. Especially more so in my career than every day life, but it bleeds over between the two.

For years I have had people who were kind to me. Would give me things. Buy things for me. Offer me assistance when doing a project or moving. It still continues to this day. Is it wrong that I feel like I’m not worthy of their generosity? Like I owe them something in return? I struggle to kindly say thank you and just appreciate their kindness with nothing more. I find myself saying the simplest phrase late, almost to the point of forgetting and at times having to come back to the matter in an after thought. I’m not perfect.

The problem is I strive to be. I want to be able to say thank you to a heartfelt comment without the feeling in the pit of my stomach that I don’t deserve what I’m being given. This feeling is one small piece of a larger issue of my codependency. That mixed with my ADHD, PTSD, anxiety and slight depression, well, I’m a walking shit show.

The funny thing about being aware of these things? It makes you work harder to realize and notice the things you do within each of these illnesses. You strive harder to fix them. To reach near perfection. I have gone years without understanding why I am the way I am. And it brings me to question, am I heading off a mid life crisis at the pass, or is this, in fact, MY mid life crisis? Will it all turn around from here?

One can hope, but as they say, hope in one bucket, shit in the other and see which fills up faster. Hope is not enough. Do or do not. There is no try. And I’m a doer. (I’m the “bitch that gets shit done”.) I’m proactively taking steps to work with my issues. Resolve those I can, lessen the effects on myself and others for the ones I cannot. One day, maybe this shit show will be able to do that which she desires and truly help someone else. That goal may have already been met, but in the eyes of someone seeking perfection with a codependency problem, she will try to fix the world.

All I’ve Got to Do

Well, my dearest reader, it’s been a long time since I’ve graced this blog with content and I feel I have a confession to make…..I’m a failure.

I have failed to listen to my critics, my biggest adversaries and to be quite honest, my own family. I have proven my failures in the courses I took in college, with the failed career choices I have made and with the lack of anything spectacular to show for the 30+ years I’ve been on this earth.

However, it is through these failures that I have become the person you read about here in these words. I am grateful for the people who told me throughout my life that I would fail, and for the classes and instructors who told me I never had the right answers because they weren’t the ones in the book. Without those things I wouldn’t have experienced the many (and I mean MANY) careers I tried before I found myself where I am today. The funny part about it though? I still don’t feel accomplished.

There’s a fine line between doing a good job and feeling like you’ve made a difference. I’m told time and again what great things I do, but I still view them as failures. Maybe because I still don’t feel like I’ve hit that home run that to me will feel like I’ve really, truly done something good.

Recently, I hosted (along with the association I serve on a board for) our normal monthly event. I pushed hard to bring in our after dinner guest speaker, who I knew would be just edgy enough to either completely win or fail with all the spectaularness that is the fourth of July in a hurricane. I put everything I had behind this event, pushing for increased funding, for increased promotion, and I’m sure with every detail that I tried to make sure was just right, I annoyed more than my fair share of people who assisted me with this venture.

But, through all of that, through all the worry, the stress, the butterflies and the laughter, I again survived. I proved I am capable of doing what I love to do, I have the support of others who have the same passion as I do and, dammit, I’m good at it too. (Take THAT naysayers!) However, maybe it’s my humility that brings me down off that pedestal and leaves me still questioning if I did it the best I could.

I once had a wise man tell me “The enemy of great is good enough.” This phrase has brought so much meaning to everything I do. The frustration of people who don’t care, of those who feel they have no accountability, “it’s good enough.” I can’t do things that way. I hope this event wasn’t just “good enough.” I hope that it was the start of my yellow brick road to that big shiny city that is just waiting for me to come up and knock on its gates. I see the dream, I know the path that leads there. It’s time to shake off the dead weight and make my way.

If I should die tomorrow…

It’s rather surreal to think that should I die unexpectedly, I’m quite sure there would be a fair number of people to see me out of this world, yet while I am still here, breathing, living life, I struggle to feel wanted. I sit home often wondering why no one calls, why invites don’t come, and what I should be doing differently to change this. After all, change starts with yourself, right?

It’s been this way since I can remember. Friends coming and going. Meeting new people through one new friend and never quite fitting in. I find that talking to people who are old enough to be my parents is more satisfying conversation than that I have with people in my generation. This tends to cause another issue, however. I don’t want to date anyone old enough to be my father. I tend to gravitate toward younger men. This hasn’t worked out as well as hoped either.

So, I sit home. Chat with a few people over the interwebs and check out events that are going on in the area. There’s really not much that intrigues me, and intriguing me goes a long way. It’s one thing that motivates me to do things. I’m always wanting to know more about things, people, just in general. The sad part of it all? I’m an extrovert. An ENTP to be exact and yet I find it immensely difficult to get myself up on a given night, and head out to a Meetup where I might find some great new friends. I hesitate because they are nearly always at bars and I just don’t have the mindset like most others in this area. I don’t want to get drunk to run away from my problems. I’ve been doing well enough at literally running away from them for years.

I’ve had more addresses in my life than about 10 people combined in their whole life. Recently for a new job they asked for my background history, including where I had previously lived. I had to ask if they really wanted all 30+ addresses. Mind you, I’m only in my mid-30s, and my family has only moved once since I was born. It’s all been me and as I grow older I realize or rather become aware that it’s all been because of situations in which I felt moving was the answer. Getting away, starting anew. Well, as you can imagine, it doesn’t work out nearly as well as it sounds it would. East Coast, West Coast, Mid-West and almost the deep South. I can’t really imagine it would have been different.

I’m finding again, now, that I want to run. I want to get away from the things that are confusing me, that just run circles in my mind. Like the friend, who is more than a friend, but not. I know, that doesn’t make sense. He is my Bennie. He tells me he cares about me and that he won’t abandon me like all the others have. Yet when push comes to shove and I tell him the truth that I don’t feel we should be more than friends, it doesn’t last. I don’t blame him for this. He’s only doing what we’ve been doing for years. Off and on, again and again. It’s me that’s addicted to the attention. Always have been and it’s unfortunately led me to here.

I didn’t view it as an addiction until recently, but all signs are pointing to yes. I felt ignored as a child. Friends never stayed. Distant relatives made it known how little they liked me (which looking back shouldn’t have mattered, but I was in school with them and it was a VERY small school). I didn’t think I was well liked all those years, later to find out that my hard exterior actually intimidated some and they were afraid to talk to me. (Guess that didn’t work out as well as expected.) So, I’ve always had people around and felt completely alone.

It’s been proven that even a hug can make a person feel better, feel wanted. I didn’t know that little gesture was so much to ask. Over the years, man after man in my life was only there for one thing. Many will lie and say it was more, a select few will actually be telling the truth, but most? They were only there to get their rocks off and be completely selfish about it. They would continue to lie to me and tell me things I thought I wanted to hear and I would take it all in because of that overwhelming addiction to just feel wanted. It’s a vicious cycle and I’m trying to break free of it. It’s not going to be easy but I’m determined. I want a life where I don’t second guess everything and everyone in their words and actions. Maybe one day someone will prove me wrong.

This post brought to you by… Tequila.

Sexy Bitch Margarita

I’ve always been one to have opinions. I believe everyone is entitled to theirs. I have found over time, however, that having an opinion is, for better or worse, frowned upon as a society. I wondered to myself the other day just when it was decided that being politically correct and nice (as in “I don’t want to hurt his/her feelings.”) became a higher standard than honesty?

I have met a LOT of people over my years and through that time, I have found people who are professional, those who are immature, those who are genius, and those who are just afraid. While there are more categories, I’m sure, I’m just making a point. Everyone is who they are. I’ve made friends. Great friends. People who will be there at any given moment I need them, no matter how far away they are or what they are involved in. I have also made “friends”. Those people who you think are decent friends until you are honest with them and suddenly, you’re their worst enemy. I tend to find that these are the individuals who are afraid to be themselves and when you are honest with them, they don’t want to face the reality. They would rather push away the great friend who would be there for them and live their life in their own little bubble.

It’s not any different in business. Business people are still just that…people. I’ve been told time and again I need to tighten my filter in a working environment. Why? I’m not passing judgment. I’m not telling you HOW to do your job. Why has society reached a point where they would rather play the business politics game rather than do what is common sense to make things better? I’ve struggled with this in job after job. You are told not to tell anyone what things in the business could be improved. In fact I’ve lost a few jobs because I tried to make things better.

Honesty has become something that is hidden away like the bastard step-child of King Henry VIII. It’s unfortunate that in a time when so many people are just trying to get by in their lives, that the ONE thing that could be their salvation in times of need is something that is deemed a negative influence. Business are ripped apart by judgments. People forget they are the sole conductor in the symphony that is their own life. Choose to live by your opinions, but don’t judge others for theirs. Don’t demean others for a different point of view. Embrace it and if you feel so strongly about a situation, rather than just complain about it verbally or, as many do so often now, post about it on social media, remember that the only way that things will be different is if YOU decide to make a change. Take a stand. Don’t be just another lemming following everyone else off the cliff. Stop. Stand up. Be counted. And above all else, be honest, if not to others, at least with yourself.

The Demons Made Me Do It!

Well, my dearest reader, as you may already know, society and I don’t always see eye to eye. Today reminded me of just that. Many things have been going on, some of which I can control, others which need some help to change. Either way, I’m taking the initiative, but I’m finding that it is going to be a strenuous road ahead. Over the years I’ve dealt with some things that, no scratch that, I’ve been involved in some things that were not great experiences. I have yet to deal with them. Those demons are now rearing their ugly head. It’s because of everything that has happened over the years and the things that didn’t happen which has made me who I am today, and I don’t like it.

There’s usually only so much you tell people about a trauma in your life. If you’re like me, you tend to hide behind many walls. You conform to those around you and “play along”. It is difficult to find your own identity, and when you think you have, suddenly, one small thing can bring all those walls crashing down on you making it hard to breath and even harder to move on like you know you must. It doesn’t get any easier. 

I’m realizing that growing up in my family, things were not normal. I’m not even sure what the definition of normal really is at this point anymore or was back then for that matter, but what I do know is that I don’t ever really remember having good affections in my house. I remember a lot of yelling, a lot of being dragged throughout the house, dishes being thrown at me from across a room and lists of chores that needed to be done, or else. I remember feeling like the person who was only around to do all the work and if it was done wrong, there was hell to pay. I never realized how this could affect me in my 30’s. 

I was recently told that I could very well have a codependency problem. (For those of you who are unaware of what codependency is, it is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one’s own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns. – Wikipedia) I won’t lie to you, this scares the hell out of me. Knowing at this moment that all the things I’ve been doing for this long I have been doing to please others because it was how I was raised and the consequences it has led to over time, it is NOT pleasant to say the least.

I hate feeling like a victim. I don’t even like considering that I could be one, but the honest reality is that I am and I have been more than once. I still don’t fully understand why I do certain things, but I have been learning (unfortunately too late) what things are inherently wrong. I’m just not good at avoiding them…yet.

Growing up and going through school, I was bullied. It was the 80’s. It happened. In fact, it happened a lot, even through high school, but because I wasn’t being shown any type of love or affection or attention at home, I felt I needed to find it somewhere. I just wanted to feel needed. It didn’t work out the way I had planned. One of the first times a guy had ever shown me affection, I think I was maybe 16. Somehow I had convinced my parents to leave me with a friend of mine in another state. This “friend” was anything but a good influence. She invited over a boy who I can remember putting his hands in places where no one had ever touched me before. I didn’t know him, I didn’t know what he was doing and thankfully (from what I can remember), it stopped there. That was encounter one. Not something girls dream about, let me assure you.

Some time later, I found myself dating a guy who was a year ahead of me in high school. Looking back, I know I only dated him because he showed interest in me. I don’t remember how long we dated, I don’t remember what we used to do other than having him constantly pressure me to have sex with him. Finally one Sunday morning, around 11:30 am at my parents house to the song “Feel Like Making Love” by Bad Company, I gave in. (I wish I didn’t remember all those details.) He took my virginity from me basically because I wanted him to like me. I didn’t want to displease him. It’s what was ingrained into me. Please my mother so she doesn’t lose her temper. If I give in to him, he’ll want to stay with me. I was VERY wrong. 

This pressure to have sex continued throughout the whole time we dated. I remember my junior prom. I wish I didn’t. I hated everything about it. Feeling like the one who everyone disliked for whatever the reason, having a dress that my mother made because she refused to let me buy one, and to top it off, the only other thing I remember about my prom is being coerced into having sex in the back of his mom’s ’70 1/2 Camero. I wish I could forget. Just another unpleasant memory of things I “let happen”. 

This same guy also videotaped us having sex, which looking back on it now would be great evidence for statutory rape considering my age at the time, but, I was young and stupid as they say. I didn’t know any better. No one told me how things should have been in a healthy relationship. I only went by what I thought was right. Make him happy and he will stay. I couldn’t have been more wrong. 

That was the start of a LONG string of bad encounters, bad relationships and more bad memories I wish I could forget, along with a couple added STDs for good measure. Guy after guy that I met, I thought I had to please. I never did anything for myself. It was always in hopes of keeping the attention, the affection that I thought would be enough. It wasn’t. They always used me up and threw me away. It become more of a feeling of obligation than something that I wanted to do with someone I truly cared about and wanted to share something special with. 

There is no more intimacy in sex for me. I honestly don’t know if there ever was, but now I’m realizing how deep this need is for the affection and the attention that I can turn a blind eye to rape. I realize I’m going to piss a good number of people off on this one, but the realization is, that is what it was. Rape. I met the guy at a bar with a mutual friend. He tried to give me his number. I wouldn’t take it. A few nights later, another friend of mine and myself went back to the bar. He fed us drink after drink. She and I were both completely shitfaced. I remember her leaving with the guy that she was dating at the time and telling the bartender “Take my girl home and fuck her.” Apparently in his mind that was consent. I don’t remember leaving the bar. I vaguely remember stepping into a truck. I don’t remember the ride to his house. I remember walking up some stairs and getting partially undressed. The next thing I remember is a few seconds of having sex. I woke up the next morning in his bed, naked. I distinctly remember seeing a US Army certificate with his name on it and thinking “hmm, so that’s his last name”. I got dressed and he drove me back to my car which was still at the bar. I don’t think he said much of anything to me that morning. 

Now most people would probably not have the mindset I did after that incident. All I thought about was that this guy was going to go around and tell people how bad in bed I was and I couldn’t let him do that. I wouldn’t ever be able to find affection from another guy if he thought that. I see how wrong it is now, but then, it made sense to me. I told him he owed me redemption sex. I then also found out that he was sleeping with another one of the bartenders at that bar. He turned me down for a couple weeks and then we hooked up again….and again…and again, but we weren’t dating. We weren’t in a relationship. 

Somewhere along the line we became friends. I think it was the affection and attention. I always seem to NEED to have at least one friend to talk to daily to keep sane. I need to learn to be okay alone, but I’m not there yet. He and I hung out a LOT. We talked a LOT. Over the last few years, we slept together off and on and at some point, things got complicated. People would ask if we were together, and we’d always say no, but it kinda felt like we were. I got attached to him. I thought I may have even loved him. I was wrong. I don’t think I know what love is. Anyone who I thought I loved in my past has done nothing but hurt me. That’s not love. 

So skip forward to the recent past. His drinking got out of hand more than once. He hurt me. I told him I couldn’t do this anymore. We stopped talking for nearly 2 months and then at a mutual friends going away party, things seemed like they were coming around. I was wrong…again. He professed his love for me in front of the group, told me how much he missed me, told me he wanted more. I wanted to hear what he had to say. It made me feel good. I went home with him. I didn’t want to have sex. He tried, multiple times I grabbed his hand and moved it away telling him I couldn’t. I broke down telling him I didn’t want feel obligated anymore. That I didn’t want to feel violated. He told me it was never an obligation and he wanted to kill all the guys who had violated me in the past. He held me as I cried uncontrollably because I knew this couldn’t be good. He told me again and again how much he loved me.

The next morning, still half asleep, he started again. I let him. I participated. I wanted to make him happy. I thought he wanted to change. I was wrong. I let him do it again. I was SO wrong. He kissed me goodbye as I brought him back to his truck from the night before. We texted a bit during the day. That night, as I was leaving town, I wanted to show my own affection (something that I never instigated with him before because I was keeping my walls up). His door was unlocked. I could hear him talking and thought nothing of it. I opened his bedroom door to find him in bed with another girl. He’d slept with her multiple times. EVERYTHING he had told me was a lie. I had let my codependency get the better of me, again. I feel so ashamed, so stupid, so used.

I tell my friends what happened and the only responses I get are that “he’s always been that way. He’ll never change. You should have known better.” I don’t understand. I feel like I’m taking the blame for this. I didn’t want to have sex with him. I don’t know how to say no. I wish I could, but the words just don’t come out of my mouth. After so many years of feeling like I had to let them have their way, I don’t know how to change, but how is it MY fault? I NEVER said I wanted to have sex.

It took me nearly 2 and a half years to accept that the night I was blacked out and he slept with me, he raped me. Third degree sexual assault had I pressed charges, but in my mind, it was affection. It was still wrong. Saying he’s just that way and that he will never change without expressing that it is wrong to me essentially says that his friends (both male and female) condone his behavior. Their expression of the fact that he and I slept together more than once, regardless if those times were consensual or not, has them essentially blaming me for everything that has happened and how I feel. 

Our society has become such a rapist society it makes me sick. Literally. I sit dumbfounded at the ignorance of people that say “she deserved it”. How did sexually assaulting someone suddenly become okay? There should NEVER be a time in a person’s life when they feel obligated to have to have sex with someone else. It’s not always a physically abusive forceful event when someone is sexually abused and it’s not that grey of an area. If there wasn’t consent, then there should have been no sex, of any kind.

I’m sitting here in awe that throughout the day so many people have expressed to me that this guy is their friend, that “it’s bullshit, but it’s just the way he is”, “he won’t change”, “you went back after that so he’s not a rapist”, “he’s an ass but I don’t think I’d call him a rapist”. I don’t understand. I know there are a lot of people out there who have been through a lot of traumas of their own, but it only takes ONE time for someone to have sex without consent to be, by definition, considered a rapist. I don’t see how the argument can even be valid that he is not.

It’s a huge deal to be honest, especially with yourself. If the same things had happened to you regardless of the type of relationship you were in, if someone took advantage of you sexually without your consent, don’t you think you should be mad? Stop encouraging rapists as a society and stop blaming the victims. Next time it could be your sister, your daughter, even your little boy. Would you feel okay with it then? 

Please remember that condoning behavior is not any better than encouraging it. These sexual assailants will continue to do what they do because without their “friends” or society telling them it is wrong, they “will never change.”

Policy of Truth…

As  you go through life, you tend to find that some things are black and white, but others, many others, are some shade of gray. One of these shades, or rather more likely many of these shades of gray are where I place my friendships. While most people have friends, best friends and acquaintances, I have those and then also my Bennies. For the first time however, I’m starting to question that area between Bennie and just a friend.

I have guy friends who are just guy friends and then I have guy friends whom I’ve slept with. (There are also guy friends who want to sleep with me, but I’ll get to those later.) While I am a person who greatly respects my friends, I question how much respect for me many of them have. It seems more often then not that when I do end up sleeping with a guy that he is just using me to get his rocks off and could really care less that I’m a friend.

I guess it always rather bugged me, but I never really did anything about it. I just wouldn’t sleep with them again, but with this constant thought in the back of my mind that nobody wants me, it’s far too easy to fall prey to someone who is giving me attention. Now don’t get me wrong, the skeevy guy who walks up to me in the bar and tells me I have cute feet is going no where but home by himself, however, if I’m mildly interested in someone, well, let’s just say it doesn’t always end well.

It strikes me as even more awkward when I have guy friends who I dated 10+ years ago that I haven’t heard from in a few years who are suddenly contacting me, professing their love and telling me that they were stupid for ever letting me go. (They dumped me by the way.) Now, or at least when they contacted me, they wanted to start over and try again. One even saying that he’d find a job near me and move just to be close to me.

Well, after 10 years – people change. I was married. I got divorced. I started a career, and some of the things I thought were important then aren’t for me any longer. I can’t change the past and we made the mistake enough times of trying to relive it.

When someone tells you things you want to hear when you’re not hearing it from the place you should be, well, you tend to lean more one direction than the other. Thankfully I realized what it actually was before it went too far. I still wouldn’t go back and change the things I did, but at least going forward I have something to look back and base some decisions on.

I do also agree with a very good friend of mine. I don’t think any one person gives their heart solely to one other individual. We aren’t that type of creature. If we were, when we found our “soul mate”, we would no longer have friends or care about our families. Love is something I feel is spread around and there are many types of love. (Yeah, I said it. I swore. I dropped the L bomb. I figure soon enough I’m going to have to again. So, what the hell, I might as well get used to it.)

So, these types of love. This is where my gray areas get really fuzzy, and not like in the cute, cuddly sense. I thought at one time that I loved my ex husband, and I think it was more the person he thought he was versus the person he really was. It wasn’t meant to go the long haul, but it’s okay. We’re still friends. After him, there was the asshole who took my heart, molded it in his hands to get it just he way he wanted it, and then threw it in the mud, stomped the shit out of it and then looked at his buddy and said, “Just keep going. Just walk away.” They may be right. If he ever makes you cry, you have no reason to stay with him. It’s hard to walk away when you feel like you can’t live without him. Again, lesson learned. (I think.)

That brings me to my current dilemma. Do I love my friend that is causing me so much stress? Yeah, I probably have to say I do, but not that kind of love. I have a deep respect for someone who has gotten me through a few tough times. He’s seen me cry (which I hate doing in front of people) and the night I was around to comfort him, I ended up a mess, thankful that he was there, but that still doesn’t mean that I love him in a way where I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Hell, by day six of a road trip I threatened to leave him somewhere in a ditch on the way home. The love I have for him is one in which I care for him, his well being and his happiness. I just need to reach a point where I can separate that from my own happiness.

I see things that, as a friend, I want him to see, but, it’s not who he is and I need to be able to let that go. To not care. And it sounds selfish, but it’s honest. He doesn’t need me to point him in every direction of his life. He’ll make mistakes, do stupid things, but it’s all his choice, his consequences. So, I need to just let it be. It will take time as I still need to reach the point that I don’t feel the need to help people. I just hope that at some point he can be there again to help me, as I know I can’t do this alone.

There is one other friend who tries to be there for me and some how, even for being a hermit, he seems to know just when I need a message from him, or even someone. There’s no good way to explain how much it means to get a message that just says “I’m thinking about you. I miss you.” Now if only I could find a guy who isn’t just looking for a physical encounter or isn’t married or seeing someone that would send me messages like that. *Sigh* Ah, well. Tomorrow’s another day. Maybe someone is still out there.